Three Day Wrap Up

I am doing a three day wrap up today. On Easter Sunday, I went to #1’s house and we had a great day. No one accompanied me, they were either working or didn’t want to go. #1 sent home leftovers for those that had to work, no one else. I like that.

I took my granddaughter driving, as she just got her learner’s permit and mommy and daddy are too upset and anxious. She did great. We started out slow in a parking lot and next thing you know, she was on the highway! Afterwards, I treated myself to a coffee at Star Bucks and a quick store run, and then homeward bound. It was a nice time.

Monday I worked at the winery but had gotten up at 4:30 a.m. because the dogs were carrying on and then could not get back to sleep so went on to work at 9:00 a.m.  It was very slow and I was very slow due to lack of sleep. They let me go early because we weren’t that busy and I had a nice nap yesterday afternoon.

Today I started the day bright and early with a dentist appointment at 8:00 a.m.  I had my partial adjusted and the dentist worked on my upper plate too. It’s better. I am still having trouble adjusting….

Today is dedicated to phone calls and house work and most of it has been completed. I am planning to have lunch with #4 and then maybe do some schoolwork with #6 that we have to do together. It’s been pretty quiet, which is nice.

No Great Dramas to report so I am happy about that. I already have a casserole made for dinner so that is a plus. A store run after #4 goes back to work and I am done for the day!

I am trying to do things to keep busy on my days off. It gets so lonely sometimes. The dogs are getting old so they just lay around. Watching them, it makes me want to do the same!!

Anxiety and me….

Easter Day!!  Resurrection Day!!  One of my favorite holidays!!  I awoke early, trying to keep to my regular routine. I watched the sun show her beautiful face and the butterflies flit around the lilac bushes outside.  The little robin and the blue jays and the beautiful male robin who is Bright Red visited me this morning, twittering and singing. It was a nice morning. I am looking forward to being off work, even though I was scheduled to work. I am looking forward to spending some time with my son and his family.

Bang! Anxiety did not like the fact that I was looking forward to a day for a change. Anxiety likes to keep me tethered to the house, crying or feeling down. My mood was so great that Anxiety couldn’t get me that way so decided to attack my body. Terrible pain out of no where in my tummy this morning.

I sat down gingerly and examined the pain I was feeling. It was not normal. It was instead, in the lady area and I KNEW something was wrong. I sat perfectly still and analyzed the way the way my body was feeling. I had no idea what precipitated this. I did not panic, although I had to stomp on panic.

It was gas pains!!

Calm down Anxiety not today!!

Charging the Laptap

Last night when I came in from work I looked like something the dog spit out.  When the hubs came in, he looked like something the cat spit out. Both of us were aching from our jobs. He of course is worse off than I am. However, neither of us need to be doing manual labor at our ages. It’s obvious that we had six kids and poor financial planning. But since that water has long been under the bridge, we have to look forward. My hubs made a remark last night that I really should finish my book so I can make a million….that got a bark of laughter out of me. I will be lucky to finish the book and have the money to pay for printing, let alone be able to get actually published at some big publishing house. If I self publish on Amazon, at least I can say I did something….Guess what? Yep! I’m charging up the laptop!  Will plan to start writing this week!

Go me!

REV

I ask, “Where are you going this Easter Day?”

He says, “To ride in the sun, it’s a beautiful day!”

He has on his gear, jacket and boots,

He now has Wings

But I gave him roots-

His bike starts up,

Va room, Va room,

my heart starts to beat

bah bah boom, bah bah boom-

Hi bike looks different,

something is new-

He never tells me what he’s going to do-

I puzzle over it and look at his bag,

I see that he ordered a brand new tag.

watch over your heart

watch over your heart

I say silently as he starts to depart

Down the drive he begins to ride

I feel a sinking sensation inside

watch over your heart

I say silently

He lifts his visor

and winks at me

My mood dims as I see what it says

It’s the tag!  It’s the tag!

The tag

says

“REV”

*a mom’s poem to her son with heart disease

 

 

 

Working on Resurrection Day at the Winery…The Winery and me….

I really didn’t want to work on Easter (Resurrection Day) this year, although I was scheduled to work and initially agreed to work. I was feeling as if the family was scattered all over the place and the hubs was working and probably one of my sons as well, so I figured I would work as well.  I also expected #4 to be spending the holiday with her boyfriend with his mom. Then I figured that I could go to an early church service with no problem. Looking through the local paper, I discovered that most services were sunrise or they interfered with my work schedule.

Getting home from work today, my third day in a row, my feet are swollen from being on them all day, my back is aching, and I am really tired. I only make $9.00 per hour.  It is really back breaking work.

At the last minute, this evening, I received an invitation from #1 to come to his house to have dinner. He is usually last minute, but wasn’t sure if he and my daughter in law were cooking. Then when I received his invitation, in the midst of my aches and pains, I looked down at my hand. This morning at work I slit my finger pretty bad and it was hurting. Needless to say, I did not have a good day working….The employees today were just getting on my nerves and I can’t really say why. There are a bunch of wine snobs working there and they have a very condescending way about them. Sadly, many are half my age and they should speak to me or anyone with more respect. I get tired of hearing their mindless prattle. I have started to realize the past few days that they are very mean and snide. I never saw it before…

I texted my boss and told her a, “family thing” came up which is true. She really doesn’t care; she just wants bodies to do the work. The aggravating thing is that there are several able bodied young men to do the heavy lifting and yet she schedules women, both young and old to lug around cases of wine. I don’t understand it. The guys are much more able to do the heavy work than the women, although the women would probably be indignant if they could hear my thoughts.

I examined my options and thought carefully if I should be fired…would I care?  No. I don’t think I will be, but if I am I truly don’t care. I am going to start selling on E bay again which I did for years and did quite well for some pocket money. I really do like certain aspects of my job, but they are becoming fewer and fewer…..At first I used to think that those that came in wine tasting and envisioned themselves wine aficionados  were funny–truly laugh/out/loud funny. Now they are just irritating. I used to think the bridal parties and “ladies” that went out wine tasting for a day were a riot but they are really just rude drunks.

For the flexibility of the job until #3 and her wedding and #2 and her baby, I was willing to tough it out but to what end? A hurt back? My own attitude which I don’t like? Not wanting to go to work?  Nah, it’s not worth it. If I have to stay awhile I will but I am not really very happy about it. So, as I mentioned before, I am job hunting. If I have to stay through August, I will but I am no longer going to hurt myself trying to get all of the tasks done. I will no longer carry heavy cases of wine, nor will I put up with snide and rude remarks from anyone. I will not clean bathrooms without proper sanitary precautions such as gloves and the proper cleaning supplies. I am not going to risk infection or who knows what….I am getting what I call, “subcontractor mentality” as it’s called in my, “real job” as a contractor.  I don’t like that about myself either. I will also have to sit down more, even if I have to buy my own stool and put my feet up to keep them from swelling. The bosses don’t like that but I no longer care about that either.

I think my attitude is bothering me the most….I don’t care. I have always had a good work ethic and I can see myself slipping into that, “I don’t care” mood. I don’t like that about myself….

We shall see if, “The Winery and Me” will continue….

The Winery and me….

I am Back to Work I am glad to say. Yesterday I worked with a new guy. He’s real nice but was pouring the white bar which I usually do. (white wines) so I got stuck on desserts. Dessert wines are not for everyone so it’s pretty boring most of the time. However, I found things to do. Perhaps too many things to do because when I got home last night my back was killing me and my feet were swollen…I guess from being on them so much and running all around — plus it was very hot outside. I got to work with one of my favorite co-workers. He’s french and is always in a good mood. He’s making my daughter’s wedding cake. He is always ready to help and we get along great. At least He Who Knows All About Wine was not there. He was there over the weekend and was Extremely rude which is nothing new for him. I think I am getting my moxie back because I gave him a mental slap. Such a strange little man…..anyway I am glad to be working again but was a little concerned that maybe I pushed myself too hard, after all, I am old!!  I think I am going to look for another part time job because even though the pay is lousy and the hours are great with flexibility it really is tough on the body, especially an old body like mine. I have also noticed that people have seem to have sprouted horns and a tail since I have been sick. They are not the funny and kind people that I am used to being around. They are grouchy and lazy and expect me to do much lifting which I Will Not Do when there are perfectly capable younger men to do it. So job hunting I go!!  I don’t care what kind of job I do right now. 

I still work for the family business and am just looking for something to do that I like and that will help pay the credit cards and debts we have incurred with the Fixer Upper. I want something part time with flexibility so I can take off for #3’s wedding and #2’s baby so I might have to stay at the winery for a while but I am kind of hoping that I can find something else. Just don’t have that warm and fuzzy feeling anymore….or maybe I’m

wine—ing……..

Anxiety and Me….

Today started off with me getting ready for my “shrink” appointment. She is a real doctor, but an intern with an attendee doc over her. I have been to maybe two psychiatrists before.  Once, many moons ago because of a custody battle, (I AM A FIT MOM) and once for a referral to a psychologist whom I spent wonderful years with for therapy. He is far away now and I don’t think he takes my insurance or I would go running back to him.  I am not used to psychiatrists.  I had a 15 minute appointment with her. Goodness I could have taken care of it over the phone. It was a forty-five minute drive to see her.  It was ridiculous but maybe that’s how these things work…..I don’t know and she really didn’t have the time to tell me because she sauntered out as soon as I left with a “colleague” to have lunch. I know this only because I ran into her going to lunch. Sheesh!  She said the new medicine I am on is working because it “hits” a neurotransmitter in my brain that tells me NOT to puke. It also helps with anxiety but I wanted a more detailed explanation. She did not have the time. She is pushing “therapy”. I looked at her with pity. As old as I am, I have been in and out of therapy for over 30 years. I was broken since a child.  At my “intake meeting” with her a few weeks ago, I wrote her my readers’ digest version of all the abuse in my life. She knows it. Or maybe she forgot. What I don’t need is to rehash the past with a well meaning social worker or therapist. That would cause MORE ANXIETY… However, I am thinking about it.  If she thinks I can live Anxiety Free she is the one who needs a physchiatrist.  Not going to happen after all I have been through unless the Lord heals me which by the way I have prayed for.  Anxiety is REAL and can not be taken lightly. She did NOTHING as far as the medication I take except that she wants me off the benzos (which help of course) … She obviously did not care. I could see it in her face. She is young, but not that young and has a smug way about her. I don’t like her. However, will continue to be nice because I only see her until July and then she goes on another, “rotation”. I don’t care if she is a gigantic ANT as long as I am not having Anxiety and Nausea and all the other delightful symptoms of Anxiety kick my butt. However, I was very

disappointed….