Anxiety and the heart…

From former posts, you will read my son has this horrible heart disease. Recently diagnosed, and the entire family is reeling…I am going through The Menopause, and have anxiety, and tend to cry much these days. Each appointment we have gone to, my son gets upset with me because I ask questions. Well what responsible mother wouldn’t when their child is facing an incurable and potentially life threatening heart condition?  He and my husband Told Me that I was Not Allowed To Go To His Appointment tomorrow. Instead of telling both of them to shove it and I am SO Going, I left the house last night, went grocery shopping past midnight, would not answer my phone, cried like an idiot,  blogged till three in the morning and got madder and madder as the night progressed. I woke up this morning, ran the usual errands, and thought about things logically.  Kind of.

Any normal family, (what is that these days?) would go Together to an appointment regarding a health concern of such magnitude. Mom, Dad, Child. Good grief, families go to vet appointments together for that matter……

My son told me today that I stress him out and upset him and I Can Not Go. The thought that he is pulling the 18 card —While Living in My House for Free, me paying his Cell Phone, helping to get him into school, Home Schooling him many years (more in another post on Home School),  Wasting My Valuable Time, getting him into community college at 16, and he is telling Me that I Am Not Allowed to go to this visit?  The more I thought this through, the more anxiety I felt. I was nervous and aching all over, bugs were crawling over me (in my mind), I hated everyone, I wanted to run away but was too scared, let’s face it, I am a big coward. Used another darn box of tissues….

What happened to Angelica’s Mom of the Rug Rats??  (the cartoon that my older kids used to watch, and I  was Angelica’s Mom)….Where has my Cape been? (Super Mom) How dare him!!!   How dare my husband, that measly worm…..As far I am concerned, any good husband would have not even entertained the thought that the mother was not going, let alone agree with a Child —Oh he is Frozen…..For Many Moons. The Audacity!!!..I was in rare form when I got home today from running errands For The Family.

I sat upstairs and did my deep breathing exercises. I have taught my children to be independent thinkers, surely my son will be rational. He was Not. Surely he would understand how I feel. He Did Not. He went on a rant about His Health, His Life, His this, His that, blah, blah, blah….He is 18 now, blah, blah, blah. My tummy was churning, I started sweating, the room dipped a few times from my anxiety, but I kept still and quiet. Then I told him it was my turn to talk. Like he was a two year old. Whom he is acing like.

I told him that I was going to this appointment and any further appointments as I see fit. I told him that I am His Mother and he is Not Going To Tell Me What to Do. He started in about my crying all the time and it sounded like blah blah blah….I thought for once and knew it was coming, knew all of the stupid things he was going  to say.  I let him have it. Suffice it to say, I am going to the appointment tomorrow with him, and any future appointments and that is all there is to it, unless he moves across the country, or gets married. At least until we see how this is all going to progress. He is only 18, for goodness sakes, it’s a lot to take in at tea time.

I then received a smart aleck text from my husband, but I could really care less About Whatever He Says. This is no joking matter and I Will Not be Bullied. Anxiety be damned; I am sick, sick, sick of it….feeling helpless, crying, allowing people to tell me what to do, And Taking It because I am too much of a doormat to stand up for myself?  I Think Not.

My companion, Anxiety, will go with me tomorrow of course, but it’s a lot better than not being there. If I am not there, the good Lord only knows what may be decided…someone with some sense has to be in my son’s life, and guide him as gently as possible. I am going to concentrate on what the doc has to say, and not all the noise around me.

I am sick sick sick of hearing, ‘Don’t tell Mom’ because I will cry or have a panic attack. I am strong, have always been strong. Panic or no, Menopause or no, I have always been a strong woman. Growing up with a mother who had MS, being told I was dumb, ugly, stupid, Being Blamed for her Disease (who does that?), taking care of her, grocery shopping once a week at the age of seven, handing a note to the customer service at the Giant for the person to please show me Pads for her, Doing laundry at seven,  being beaten by both parents, molested by the Evil One (birth father), thrown here and there to this relative and that and Being Told I Was Not Supposed to be Born, that I Was Not Wanted, having a child young, a very sick one at that, a husband (the first ridiculous man) that drank, abused me, cheated on me, went to prison, working two jobs, starting my own company at age 26, (still running thank you very much although everyone thinks it’s my husbands’) Yeah. Right. I am No Longer going to Apologize that I have frigging Anxiety. I should have a portable Thorazine drip. And I am not going to apologize that I am in The Menopause either. So what if I cry? If  the ones I annoy don’t like it, please stay away from me, I surely do not see anyone comforting me. No I always did the comforting to my parents and my children.

However, my three daughters are truly wonderful to me, they do loving things for me, make me laugh, and listen as much as they can. They are very busy and I do not want to invade their lives with my foolishness, so am going to try Not To Any More.

Advice:  Anxiety?  Do Not Apologize for it, it’s awful and scary. The Menopause?  Every woman will go through it, I hope you do not get the cries like me. Sick Child? Cry all you want. Sick yourself?  Cry all you want. Do Not Apologize for who you are, or what you are going through, or for your feelings.

Today I used a ‘tool’ from my favorite shrink over the Years.  Put your I over your E.

I = intelligence

E = emotion

Put your intelligence over your emotion, whether you think you can or not. You Can. I can prove it. I just did.

I will probably be crying my eyes out tomorrow, but for today I have the tiger by the tail…








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