So we went to the doctor…

(see previous posts)– So We went to the doctor yesterday with my son, his second check up for his heart disease – hcm.  All in all, it was a good visit. Not much change, his blood pressure was still pretty high after him being on meds for five months, and the medicine was doubled. He has to wear a monitor for 24 hours, and as long as that is okay, he is to come in again in six months, that is his life. If is is not okay, then a defib will be put in.

One of my daughters’ came to the visit along with my husband, and she clowned around with her brother and made him feel better. I am glad she did for she is planning to move after  grad school which is in May and will probably not be around for visits as she is now.

I was on my best behavior, but had questions for the doctor, which he answered.

My eldest daughter called me yesterday afternoon and she wanted to know how the visit went, both health wise for her brother, and to see if I behaved myself. Apparently she reads my blog when she has time, and was glad that I was able to control my anxiety as well as my menopausal crying…We talked for quite a while.  It was nice…

She brought up something interesting to me and I have been rolling it around in my head since yesterday afternoon. I usually react when someone says something to me, but then I think on it, and it floats around my brain for a while.  She said that maybe I am Told To Do Things when my anxiety acts up, or my menopause cries because I am constantly saying negative things bout myself.  She is right.  I will say, ‘I am so dumb’, or ‘I am so fat’ or, ‘I am so stupid’, etc…it goes on and on and sounds like I do not like myself much. I have been doing this for as long as I remember. I do not say these things to get the opposite response, ‘No you’re not’!!!  I say these things out of habit I think. I was told these kind of things since I was a child, and then it progressed as I turned into an adult. It is kind of like if you hit a dog with a newspaper, (I would Never), then the dog crouches when you walk in. I have decided that she is right. It is not good for me, for others around me, and certainly not  a good example for the remaining two children at home. So I am going to try very hard to Stop Putting Myself Down. Perhaps it will help me believe that I Am Not Dumb, (I think that may come from not being formerly educated and wanting it so bad?), or ‘I am fat’ (which I am, but maybe that is why I do not exercise like I should?)….and the best thing about it is maybe (I have tried everything else so who knows?) it will help with my anxiety….I am going to try it.

I have to reiterate that my daughters have grown into very loving young women, and even though they all have their own lives, they still take time to check on Mawm (as the two younger ones call me) (usually in exasperation!!)

My youngest daughter called me on her way to work and wanted to see how I was after yesterday, just checking in, and that meant so much to me. I am so close to them and they growing up, standing on their own, getting married,as is the natural order of things, exactly how I raised them to be…..and yet I miss them so much.

I spent some time last night researching HCM heart disease because knowledge is power. I also read some forums from the HCM Association, searching for teens with this horror of a disease, and found several young people that have all kinds of bad things happen to them, and their ways of coping. My son is bent on getting a motorcycle and I was concerned about that, but then read about a patient who is a little older than my son who Has a motorcycle, and although he has had issues with his heart, his bike brings him much joy, and it does not hurt his heart in any way by riding it. My son is 18 so can buy a bike and ride it without my consent (I would never give it), so I felt better. I am not going to read the boards all the time and set off my anxiety, but I am glad I found a place where I can see how the young folks are doing…..

There are many families where HCM runs rampant, just picking and choosing whom to attack, much like MS. Then there are those who ‘just get it’. It comes from a mutated gene, which I am starting to suspect is the case with my son. That really does not matter, but I think that if I put my head in the sand, I am foolish. I also researched different forms of devices that are inserted into the body to keep the heart from giving out. Since the doctor has mentioned this as a possibility for my son, I thought I had better read up on it. My anxiety started kicking in, so I triple checked that the hospital he is going to, is in fact, ‘A Center of Excellence’ for his condition. It is. We are moving in less than 30 days, closer to the hospital, so I think I will find the time to volunteer or something specifically in that department.

I went last evening and did laundry at the laundry mat (broken washer) and allowed  a few tears to fall, but refused to have the cries. I was on a mission for information. I have stayed off the internet about this condition because wanted to concentrate on what the doctor says is happening instead of what Could Happen.  I have decided to visit the forum once a week or so, just to see if there are any new things happening in the world of heart disease.

My anxiety is a quieter companion this day, I think only because of my will to combat it through this process more than anything else. I also have my ‘tool kit’ with me, which is simply a folder with sayings and exercises I do (mental exercises) from my last favorite shrink. It is helping. That is a good thing. I really do not want to be a spaghetti noodle for my son, I want to be a pillar of strength and calm. I know he will soon leave for college, meet a girl, get married, and until such time, I will have his back….calmly.

And if I cry my eyes later, so what?  (see previous post)






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