So we have had….

We have had a few quiet days because my son’s motorcycle is broke down.  Supposedly his older brother told him things that were wrong with it before the younger son bought it. I know that he is so disappointed but yesterday he broke down again. I did get a Phone Call thank goodness. I ran down the hall for my phone, tripping over the dog, throwing on my clothes and driving like a maniac to get him. I was Afraid he would Push the Bike in 36 degree weather….I was talking to a friend today and she said that maybe I should not write about these things so much; that it can’t be good for me…huh….got my brain rolling it around and around and perhaps she is right, but for now I don’t think so.  I think instead it actually good for me, at least for now.  She also mentioned that I Know I Can’t Do Anything if I go Too Far From Home, (she is right of course, I know this) but for some weird reason I feel like I am tethered not to the house necessarily, but to be close by. I think maybe this is just how I am coping with an illness I just can’t quite wrap my head around yet….Maybe it’s a ‘mom thing’, I am not sure….you know when you see someone or know someone who has an illness and someone will say,’they don’t look sick’….?  Well that’s kind of how it is with my son. He looks fine. But I Know When He Is Not Right. He just gets a funny look on his face and his eyes widen and he loses color and I  know that something is going on….he has been this way this week.  My son is also one to play his cards close to his chest. He does not complain, nor feel sorry for himself out loud. He does not even tell of any symptoms unless they are Really Bad.  However, with the motorcycle nonsense this week, I felt I should ‘hover’ a bit.  It’s a mother’s right, …right?  Yesterday afternoon the boys were rough housing in the kitchen Of All Places and the 15 year old had the 18 year old in a choke hold and the 18 year old kept saying, ‘I can’t breathe’ and he was laughing and then all of a sudden he was not laughing….he got that weird look on his face. I was yelling at them to stop and looked at my 18 year old and I could tell He Could Not Breathe.  I grabbed the 15 year old who was still in Play Mode and somehow Threw Him off; landing on the floor myself.  Then I was really pissed.  I only had a pot holder nearby so I slapped him with it (like that did a lot of good) but he got his feelings hurt.  I passed it off as silliness but later told the younger son that you can’t rough house that way with your brother; he really could not breathe. I had to explain to him about his heart rate going up and the youngest was mad at me and talked about his brother’s, ‘stupid heart’….That’s the kind of stuff going on a daily basis…..Even though my friend is absolutely right, I would tell her the exact same thing, it is different when you are Living It. However, I am going to go and see my eldest daughter along with my youngest daughter sometime next week when she is on her spring break and I am going to do the best I can to enjoy my grandson whom I have not seen much since he was born six months ago. I feel very guilty about this. I was so excited when she was pregnant, and stayed over a week Before He Was Born because he did not want to come out When I was there A Week…but I really do want to be part of his life. I just live about 2-3 hours away depending on traffic.  With our upcoming move, I really think it will be nice to go up there and visit, especially since I do not know when I can get back up there.  I will probably feel better when I hear back from the heart doc about my son’s holter readings. That will determine if he needs a defib or not. These are the thoughts I have.  I don’t think they are good or bad, they just are. Writing about these things do help me quite a bit.  I have not had The Cries this week, only once, okay?  Mostly I have been a helicopter mom. I think I have been so busy being vigilant that although my anxiety has been off the charts, It has been controllable because it’s not About Me, it’s about my Son.  Very weird.  I do wonder what my old shrink would think about all of this….A friend of a friend was reading my blog and said it was not really a blog it was more like a diary….what is a blog then?  If anyone knows and wants to share, please do!!  I am confused…


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