Anxiety…my old

Anxiety, my old companion and enemy, is with me today, and will Not Be Ignored.  Today he is just kicking up a storm in my belly and causing my hands to sweat. I have some nerve pills I can take and have taken them. No help there. My son’s heart doc said to call him in two weeks if we had not heard back from him. The nurse called today and told me that the results were in but the doctor had not had a chance to read them. My butterflies are not just in my tummy, but also fluttering into my throat. Every time my phone rings, my tummy sinks to my toes. I decided that it was easier to give the doc a special ringtone. That way I won’t jump out of my skin each time the phone rings. What I am experiencing today is what I call, ‘a state’.  I can not seem to shake the awful bugs crawling up and down my arms, in my tummy, in my chest. I have gone to the store, the laundry, ran errands, shopped a bit for my grandson, and still no relief. I decided to write it out instead. I can’t say it’s helping, but at least maybe it will help someone else. The feeling is kind of like getting called back in for another mammogram and then waiting for the results. (which has happened to me, and it was nothing).  If I were thinking logically, I would think that if there was something terribly wrong, whoever reads the monitor would have, ‘red flagged’ it or something, and the doc would have called right away.  Unfortunately I do not know how those things work. I am trying to be logical, but…. The worst thing that the doc could say is that my son needs a defibrillator put in. It sounds awful, and there are risks, but these little chips that they can install are actually good. If his heart stops, then it will ‘jump start’ it. Many years ago, pacemakers were installed, and did kind of like the same thing. I do love modern medicine.It’s a big deal to us mere mortals, but the doc does it all the time. Even though I know the worst it may be, I am still nervous, like a cat twitching her tail. I really do not understand Anxiety after all of these years…..You would think by now I would be an expert.

What’s really weird is that my son does not seem concerned at all, nor have I mentioned it to him. The only thing that he cares about is his motorcycle which Unfortunately He Fixed Himself. Ah yes, he is riding the damn thing. It’s not the motorcycle, nor the heart disease, that concerns me about that. It’s….I am not sure. I went through that phase with my eldest son, but he was older, perhaps 21 when he started riding his bike. I worried, but he was an adult and it bothered me, but not like with this youngest. Perhaps because the younger son has the heart condition, I don’t know….I don’t think  that’s it…My brain is all jumbled up today….I have a feeling of dread and I Do Not Like It.

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