I can’t wrap my mind around it…

I grew up with illness, as you know from previous blog posts, so it was Normal for me, growing up. I was a care giver quite young, and it was Normal. Friends would ask, what’s wrong with your mother? And I would tell them that she had MS. I could not do many things after school with my friends because I had to get home and help my mother. It was not a chore, it was just my life. I did not get angry, nor resentful, I guess I felt a responsibility but was too young to see it as such. I just did what I had to do. When I was older, I was thankfully back with my True Parents, my grandparents, and as they got older, they had all kinds of health issues:  Leukemia, Prostrate Cancer, Heart Attacks, Hip replacements, Dementia, Brain Tumors, Kidney problems, I could go on and on but the list would fill a page. Still I took it in stride, caring for them. I sometimes took off work and did not get paid, but I did not care. I wanted to be there and care for them. #1 was also very sick the first three years of his life, and I took care of him too, so it was again, Normal.

This thing with #5 is really blowing me away. Is is better to have a baby and find out when they are young that there is a serious illness, or when they are older and there is a serious illness?  I don’t know. Sometimes I think it’s better when they are younger because you can kind of ‘grow into it or with it’ as the child grows up. You have to be on your toes from Day One…In our case, it was a shock I guess. If it were just the stenosis, that is bad enough, and very scary, and yet it can be cut out…but a diseased heart?  At a young age? that can kill you any minute?  No cure? His Life Has Not Started…..No I can’t understand it. I understand it in a ‘thinking sort of way’ but I can’t accept it. I guess that is what my problem is. Maybe I am in a shock of some kind….

It’s true that some people have this condition and don’t even know it. They are in their 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and don’t even know they have it. Then there are those that have this condition and they fall dead on the field when playing sports. Or walking down the street. It’s as crazy as MS. I just don’t get it. Perhaps I will get it eventually, I hope so.

Then I had a thought:  Am I worrying and sobbing and making myself sick just because some part of my sick mind wants to be upset? Is Anxiety like that?  You would think as long as I have had it, since I was 27, I would Know. It’s very confusing. #5 could have some hiccups along his journey of Life but be Fine. See, I know this. Then I start sobbing and keening and crying and hollering like a Nut (always in my car, poor car) because he could Die and I think of all the things he Can Not Do…..but then I think I am just crazy ‘as a shit house rat’ (Mom! – her saying) and I continue the sick cycle all over again.

Logic:  I love logic. I try to think of things logically. Probably this is the way I am because of The Menopause, and also because it is a New Thing. Probably. I try to think positive thoughts:  he will be fine, he can live a normal life, etc., etc., etc.,…..then it’s almost like I am fighting with myself, or perhaps I Am fighting myself. I know the Logical thing to do is Live Your Life Toni.  But I am not ready to go back to school, nor work (I work as a contractor but not everyday)….I mean like a New Career or something….because I want to be near my son. Is that so bad? I don’t think so. I don’t care what people think either. I just want to be around him, or near him. For a while…..Just in case….

I love looking at him when he does not know it. I sit on the couch and read or color or cuddle with the dogs, and I like to be around #5. I love it when he asks me to ride to the store with him. I love it when he plays his guitar. I listen and try to memorize every chord. I like to hear him on his computer talking to his friends. I love it when he talks about visiting colleges this spring. I even love hearing that stupid motorcycle rev out of the driveway although I hate it at the same time.

This is just me for now. I have gone through so many personal changes in my life. I am sure I won’t sob forever. My hubs told me that I am the Rock of this family. That I Can Not Fall Apart. That I Have to do something With Myself. I have been rolling his words around in my head for two days. I do not want to be a blubbering mass of sorrow. I do not want to be a hermit that stays home and hovers because Something Might Happen. I do not want to be like this. I want to be Positive. I want to be Strong. I do not want to imagine the Worst. And I still have #6, a young teen at home for crying out loud. I owe him my attention…..

Sheesh it gives me a headache, just trying to cope and understand all of this…..

I hate it when people wallow in their sorrow. I like to be solution driven.  I am Afraid I am Becoming a Wallower.

I am strong, I am resourceful, I can take this…..

Nah, I think I am a wallower….for now anyway.

Feeling sad today because I am a wallower and There Are No Solutions, No cure. Hate that.

 

 

 

 

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