I looked up the lyrics…

#1 sent me a link to a video on UTube by a singer named Lukas Graham. I think that was his name. “When I was Seven Years Old”….I of course played it and the Menopause Cries immediately hit me. I watched the video and then looked up the lyrics to make sure I understood the words. I think the song is about fame of some kind, that the character in the song, ‘made it’, leaving others behind….then he talks about having a wife and children, and turning 20, 30, then 60 with ‘lots of children’ to ‘warm him’.  I wondered if he was trying to convey that I should embrace the fact that he wanted to see me on my birthday a few days ago….or was it to hurt me? Or did he relate in some way to that song because the character doesn’t accept failure and neither does he? Or did it remind him of us when he was young and it was just the two of us? Why don’t I just call him and ask him? Because I am afraid of what he will say. I still am my worst critic and #1 confirms all of my shortcomings so many times. There is a kind and wonderful side to him as well, and he usually means well, but he is nicknamed ‘the hammer’ for a reason….sometimes he can be so hard and so tough and uses so much energy just hammering his point home, even if he was wrong. I don’t remember him saying he was sorry about anything since he has been an adult….and yet when I think the worst of him, he will suddenly do something so kind and wonderful….he is an enigma in many ways to me. I spoke with #2 about her brother and he can be quite hurtful at times. I told her that I pray for mercy for him. I really do. You know the old saying, ‘what goes around, comes around’…well I pray for mercy that he does not have to reap what he sows…sometimes he is so cruel. How can I not take what he says to heart? Then I ask myself why in the world do I care? I do care deeply what my children think of me. I think this is because the only thing I wanted to do right in this world was to be a good mother. Probably because mine was not meant to be one. I wanted to be the anchor in the storm for them, the one most highly respected, loved, and cared for. Maybe I am. I think The Menopause has much to do with my emotional state. It’s all over the place these days. I have been this way for many years with my friend Anxiety, but The Menopause wreaks havoc on my ‘feels’. I feel things very deeply and am deeply sensitive. It’s hard for me to shake things off.   My dearest old shrink would say that I should choose to think my son sent me that video because he wants me to be warmed by my children, including him… I think that’s a good thing to do, even if I am only pretending…

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