I had a nice talk today with one of my best friends. Today was a hard day for me. Anxiety doing little dances, me feeling restless, not feeling well, feeling misplaced….on and on….Then came the Dread. The Horror. The Bad Thoughts. The Cries. About my #5 and his heart condition. When keeping busy working, or like last week, moving, then being injured, unpacking, organizing, and such I could keep Fear at bay. Today, not so much. Irrational fear? Maybe. He will probably live to be 80. However, my friend called and we chatted as friends do and one topic lead to another and I felt so safe with her so told her how I was feeling. I am glad she had the time for she is usually so busy. She has much on her plate and is always working or going to school and our talks are shorter these days. Today she had Time. Ah, time….we think of it as passing quickly. But sometimes, when we are in distress, it drags its feet and the day is long….We spoke of how we both feel about #5, how he must feel, what fears he must have and although I was the one crying, I know she was crying inside too….I am careful because I don’t want others to hurt as I do, but sometimes the pain just spurts out…..out of control. We talked about the unique and funny person #5 is, even before we knew he had a heart condition. It’s true. He always had something funny to say, he was and is a riot. He is the quiet one. Not the loud mouth Type A personalities like the rest of the tribe. He was always more thoughtful and seemed like he would think before he spoke which We Could All Learn From. More like the hubs. Not like Mawm! When the other kids would be pulling the dogs tail or stealing from the cookie jar, he would be waiting for a sibling to come home….He loved to ride his bike and run and play and cut up at school when he was younger. He was hilarious! Today I think he just wants to live life to its fullest, and tries not to dwell on the negative. He said he lives from one six month visit to another. I could see him struggling through the move. He felt bad because he could not carry things up and down the stairs that were heavy like his younger brother. I wondered if he cried on the way to the old/new fixer upper. I pretended nothing was wrong.
Many years ago I was a Drama Freak. That’s what they called us. I was in the Drama Club at school and took acting classes and loved all Things on Stage. I learned a lot. I learned to hide my emotions and take on the emotions of a character. It helps me now, even while playing tug of war with The Menopause and the Cries. I find my early training especially helpful now with #5. If he sees me cry he gets mad, so I don’t. Not in front of him. Or I pretend to have allergies and carry eye drops. For Real. Silly? Maybe. It works for me.
I asked the hubs a few weeks ago how he handles it. I let him ‘handle it’. In other words, he keeps tabs on #5. He talks to him about his heart. How he is feeling, how he is handling things…that kind of stuff. I can not do it because I am in shock I think..still. Looking for that New Normal that #2 introduced me to. See my kids are teaching me!
My hubs looked and me and said that he can not take it seriously as me because he can not breathe. I did not tell him that I feel the exact same.
When I look at the situation in the face: I can’t breathe.