A fat girl…

When one thinks of an eating disorder, they usually think of anorexia or bulimia. When young, I always had the ‘state of mind’ of one having an eating disorder, but I did not actually have an eating disorder.

For example, I was told I was fat by my beloved Mom (grandmother) although I still do not understand why she told me that. I weighed less than 100 pounds when I became pregnant with my first child. Petite shops were just coming out way back then, but I usually found clothing in the children’s section. I was not fat at all, but she always told me I was. I don’t think my birth parents told me I was fat, but they did fire insults of every kind, so that probably added to my low self esteem. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat girl. Even though I weighed next to nothing and was tiny. I had a super high metabolism and could eat whatever I wanted and never dieted. When my first son was born I had blossomed to 178 pounds! I was Huge!  My first husband was in prison when he was born but when he came out, he constantly told me how fat I was. That marriage dissolved quickly. By the time my son was six months old; I weighed 105 pounds and kept that weight until my second child was born. I only gained about thirty pounds with her, and was back in my regular clothes when she was six weeks old. I look at her Christening pictures now and think, ‘I was not fat at all’…but you could not tell me that because I really and truly felt that I was an ugly hippo.

Truth.

When I met my hubs, we knew each other as best friends for a few years before getting married and he would romance me with chocolate croissants, coffee, and little treats from our favorite bakery. By the time we got married I weighed 127 pounds. It was heavier than I felt comfortable being, but I was not ‘too skinny’ as he used to say and I was okay with my weight. Child 3,4,5,6 came along, and I gained an enormous amount of weight again with each of them. In between births, I lost four babies due to miscarriage. That of course led to depression and unfortunately, eating for comfort…..things I knew were bad for me, just about anything that tasted wonderful that had lots of fat and sugar. I was also a soda drinker.

This long story has come to the forefront of my mind due to a doctor’s appointment 2 days ago. It was just a check up, to check on my stress for I suffer from terrible anxiety. I am usually so stressed out, I run in, jump on the scale, rush in the office, talk with the doctor, worry the entire time about my health, leave, and rush off someplace else. I live on coffee. I don’t eat breakfast; I usually eat lunch in the afternoon…anywhere from 2 to 4, and no dinner until much later at night. Then I eat and eat and eat all night until I go to bed. I am addicted to Werther’s candy. I will drive out at night to buy them, ask the hubs to pick them up, bribe my son to pick them up….I Crave them…I eat a bagful a day at least.

The day before yesterday I rushed into the doc’s office as usual, jumped on the scale and made the mistake of looking at my weight. I took off my jacket and my shoes and stepped on the scale again. My weight decreased by two pounds by taking off my jacket and shoes but I did not feel good At All. There was No Way the Scale could be right. It was. I am Fifty pounds overweight. I weigh more than my hubs. I was completely distraught, surprised, overwhelmed, depressed, and of course had a bit of a cry afterwards….which does No Good for my Anxiety.

I have an eating disorder. I do not eat. When I do eat, I binge eat. It’s disgusting and pathetic because I know better.

Yesterday was the first day of my new Plan. I am not going to turn this into a Diet Blog, but felt like writing what was on my mind today and it is My Weight .For breakfast, I grabbed a Boost Drink, which I have had sitting around for weeks. Literally.  I bought them before the move. I moved two weeks ago, so I have probably had them 3 or 4 weeks. Just sitting there. I drank it down quickly and ran off to work. I had only one cup of coffee, then stopped for another. I had to make myself eat lunch which was a cup of leftovers from last night that consisted of a little chicken with vegetables and noodles. Then I grabbed my dog, Mr. Buttons and took a walk. It was a beautiful day and I walked until I was tired and his tail was drooping. It was not very far at all. I have no fitness level whatsoever, and plan to build up to one. I have no idea how long this will take, but there is No Way that I am going to keep this weight on my poor little body. For dinner I had oatmeal. By 9:00 at night I was so hungry and one of those fudge pops. That was my first day.

No wonder my knees hurt, back hurts, and I am so tired. I am only 4’11” and should never weigh over 130 pounds. I knew I was overweight, but had no idea that I had gained so much weight over the years.

So I will see how this pans out. I am determined to lose the weight, and if I fail one day, just keep trying. It’s so unhealthy and that terrifies me. When I lose about ten pounds, I will try and exercise more. I know from experience that there is no sense in ‘doing a diet’ or joining a gym, or trying to do a big work out because I have no fitness level at all and I will just end up hurting myself.

Wish me luck!!

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