Anxiety and me Part 11

All things medical terrify me. It doesn’t have to be about me, it can be about a friend, or a relative or one of my dogs even. I am so scared to go the dentist. I am so scared to go to the doctor. I am afraid of all women tests. I have had no doctor address this irrational fear, but I think it’s because my birth mother told me she hoped I would get MS. She blamed me for getting it…..(who does that?)  I think seeing her have this horrible disease, and me being her caregiver, has much to do with my fear. I have always thought I would have ‘something’. It’s just my opinion that because of all of the negative words said to me, the negative things done to me, the constant fear of living with constant fear, the constant fear of her dying, the constant fear of her seeing No Doctors nor trying to make her Life Better instilled a Fear in me that I can not shake. And I am Old.

I am NOT saying it’s her fault. Everyone blames everything on their mothers. I don’t blame her. I just don’t think she knew what she was doing. I don’t think she knew how to handle her disease, nor her life, and she was sooo young, maybe she was fearful too…..of course she must have been.  I may have somehow ‘caught it’….if that makes any sense…

There you have it. That’s what I think.

My kids laugh at me and roll their eyes and don’t take me seriously. The hubs takes me seriously only because he watched a documentary about anxiety. He knows some of my past abuse, but not all of it. He could not take it. When I found out my son had heart disease I fell apart for Months. I am still not right.

I can really talk the talk and encourage others, and look for solutions and be positive, but for me?  No. I feel I am doomed. I feel like I was grown up from the day I was born. I feel like I am almost Supposed to Live With Anxiety.   Crazy?

Probably…

after all it obviously runs in the family…

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