Anxiety and me Part 4 – The Desert

The Desert Years:  Age 4 through 8

The Desert Years were spent with my parents. I did not know who they really were until first grade. That sounds so dumb. But it’s true. I missed my Mama and Daddy so much and cried everyday for them and every night until I was in first grade. Around that same time I started to Think and realize that my parents were these awful people that took me away from my Grandparents. They never let me visit nor say their names. My Bastard father was not around much thank God. My birth mother disciplined me and would spank me if I mentioned my grandparents and I had Better Not say I missed Mama. I would get spanked for sure and sent to bed with nothing to eat. Just like a Bad Movie. I was put in ‘nursery school’ and learned to read Thank God. My parents raced cars for a while and then they flew airplanes. I sat in the back of the plane and read books and slept. They would fly all over the place and I would read books. I don’t remember my birth mother ever telling me she loved me except maybe twice. Once was when we made peace when I was 16.

Flying: Sometimes my Bastard father would stall the plane for fun and shout, ‘We’re going down’….I was in the back seat and Scared to Death.  I was always afraid of stalling.  We flew to the beach and he picked me up and put me in the big waves and told me he was going to let me go and if I didn’t swim I would Die.  I was Terrified. I peed myself….

My mother had a friend that was at our house all the time. He was her lover but I didn’t know it. My Bastard father was out drinking with his friends most of the time. He swore, drank, smoked, and was Loud and Obnoxious.Her ‘friend’ was kind and nice but I found out later he was Married with four kids. Whenever he was around, I was sent to bed…even when it was Day time.

When my father and my mother would fight, he was usually drunk, but not always. Here is an example of the kind of person he is. Yes he is still on the Earth.  He is the son of my beloved Mom (grandmother). I kept the peace for many years until she died in 2002.

Anyway, he was sober when he was flying and was a great pilot. When he was not flying he was the Worst Creature. One night he and my mother were fighting. I don’t know if he was drunk or not. I was in first grade. He picked me up and hung me upside down from the apartment balcony. He was doing this to antagonize my mother about something. I have no idea what it was about. She was screaming for him to put me down and I was crying and screaming for him to drop me. For Real. I wanted him to drop me. I was a first grader, loved school, Hated my Parents. I Wanted Him to Drop Me.  Yep. Maybe there is a reason I am Anxious….

.anyway the moron put me down and pulled out his pistol. My entire family packed heat so that was not so unusual except the idiot put the gun to my head, just like in a Bad Movie and threatened to pull the trigger if my mother didn’t do or say whatever it was he wanted. I am sure there was a bullet in the chamber because they never carried Unloaded Guns. Again, she was screaming and crying for him to Please Put The Gun Down and Give Me My Daughter….I was crying and screaming Daddy Do It!!  Do It Daddy! Shoot me!! I Don’t Care Do It Daddy!!!  Sounds like a horror right? Maybe I am making this up?  Nope. It’s For Real. Big Time. Really happened.  The coward put the gun away, I was sent to my room and they continued their fight. I was so sorry he didn’t drop me or shoot me. I remember thinking maybe I can climb out the window and run and find Mama but I didn’t know where she was. I didn’t have her phone number. I lived on the third floor of an apartment, but the abuse continued….

I think they were having money problems because suddenly I no longer went to a babysitter before and after school. I stayed home. Alone. I had to feed the guinea pigs and rats and straighten up the house. I was not allowed to watch television because I was too Dumb and it was New and in Color. So I did my chores and waited for them to come home. When they both came home I was sent outside and they Locked the Door.  Now I know the reason for it, but back then I could not figure out why I Was Not Allowed In. I was a Latch Key Kid before the name was fashionable and I was in the first grade and so afraid….

I had a little friend in the apartment and he was outside much of the time and we would play kickball or just play with cars until I was Allowed In.

We also had a neighbor that my parents liked and allowed him to take me to the local drugstore and he would buy me ice cream and tell me all about his home in Missouri. He also showed me his telescope and taught me about the stars.  I had tons of friends at school. I was allowed to go to my aunt’s house on weekends sometimes and spend summers there as well. She had four boys and my boy cousins were like my brothers and my aunt and uncle loved me.

It wasn’t All Bad just Mostly Bad.  I lived in terror every single day.

For example, If I did not eat eggs, I was force fed. I would then throw up and get spanked. One day I begged my mother for a Slurpee. She knew I hated Cherry. She bought me a Cherry Slurpee. I told her I could not drink it, I would get sick. She said I had to. I did and threw up all over her car and Got Spanked. One night I was sick. She boiled water and put something disgusting in it and I had to breathe it in. I was a little clumsy kid. I tipped the big bowl on myself. I had to be taken to the hospital for second degree burns and then I got spanked.

Finally the day came when they took me to see my Grandmother. Now I usually speak of Mom in the most glowing of terms, but since this is all Out There For The World to Read, there was a part of Mom that was not so nice. She had fostered two girls when my birth parents took me away. She compared me to the girls. I hated them. Mama told me that I did not love her or I would have called her. How was I supposed to do that? Long story short, she broke my heart. She lost the girls a few years later and I saw her sporadically. I loved her so much but in my childish heart I knew I was second or third or fourth best. I loved her anyway. (my grandmother)

Anxious?  Oh Yes….all the time except when I was in school.  At home I was a Literal nervous wreck. But I did not know that because I was a Little Child.


2 thoughts on “Anxiety and me Part 4 – The Desert

  1. wow. that….that makes me sit back and reevaluate what I considered to be a horrible childhood. It makes me thing of my daughter and how I try so hard not to let her live the life i lived. However, i too struggle with anxiety. I do believe its from my childhood and younger adult years. I am working on myself though and hopefully one day we will both find peace.


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