Anxiety and me Part 6-Mommy and me

aGE 11

By age 11, it was inevitable that my parents were divorcing. My mother and I moved into a different town, and I had to leave all of my friends. I started a new school. I was used to being alone and made friends easily, found my ‘niche’ and did fine. I never cared if kids liked me or not. I just did what I wanted to do and loved every second of school.

My mother bought a little dog, I will not say the breed because most of them are nice, but Muffin was a Monster. My mother was really into Anger by this time and as an adult I do not blame her, except for her abusing me.  Her husband left her, as did her lover, she had to quit her job, she had to move to a new town, she had an incurable disease, could no longer get around REFUSED ALL HELP AND MEDICATIONS and had a little kid to care for. I get the anger and frustration. However, I was back to walking a mile up the road every Wednesday and Friday after school with her Evil Dog, getting a few things that she needed. The dog was trained to bite me on command. For Real. If I did not do something right, and the cane was too far away, Muffin would come running and bite me. I still have a thumb nail that is misshapen from this little dogs pointy teeth.  (Okay I did kick him when I walked him which was every day but we hated each other) Full disclosure. I had to feed him On A Spoon. No Joke. On a Spoon.

Now while all this foolishness was happening, I had no idea it was not Normal. It just Was. I never spoke to my friends about it, nor did they ever come to my house. I doubt they would have been allowed, but I never asked because I was Too Afraid. We were school friends only. I was too scared to tell anyone how my mother treated me. She found another lover. (how is this possible I ask myself)??  He was a neighbor, younger than her….he was always over and I was, as usual, sent to my room. I started growing my hair longer, and getting breasts, looking like a Girl. My mother said I was Fat, Ugly , and my hair smelled like a Dog. For Real. I tried very hard to be pleasing to her, but to no avail.  She fell a lot.  I wedged myself under her, and we somehow got her back on the couch. Sometimes Muffin would think I was hurting her so he would run after me and of course….the inevitable bite. Blood and bandaids were an accessory for me.

Friday night walking a  mile turned into Saturday shopping with a neighbor. She took me shopping with My List. Then she took me to her friend’s apartment and they would get high. Now I know what they were doing. Back then, I was nervous because I had frozen stuff on My List and knew I would get beat or bit by the damn dog if she didn’t hurry….I lost 10.00 once. My mother made me sell my things at a yard sale to pay her back. Things were getting worse.

Daddy:  For some strange reason he came to visit Every Friday Night. Never missed a night. He brought his new girlfriend who was a Professional Lady of the Night (whore) but she was so nice to me. She took me shopping and out to eat and was kind and gentle and I liked her a lot and began to look forward to their visits. He would be allowed to reload bullets with me (he had a room to do this) (Why did my mother allow this?) (why would any parent allow their kid to handle gunpowder at such a young age?)…..dunno but it was normal for me. When he did not bring his girlfriend, he would take me target shooting. I was a good shot, and learned all about guns. Loved it. I pretended the targets were them.

Remember this was Normal for me. I never knew it wasn’t. I was too afraid to tell anyone and to this day have never put in all on paper. Once my children were born, my mother was dead, but the Bastard still lives. He does not know any of my children. Part 7 is graphic and you will see why…

Anxious and nervous?  Yep there’s a reason….

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