Letter to my sons

You two will never read this but I feel I need to put my words on cyberspace paper. You both are so important to me so I am thinking instead of acting in haste. None of these troubles have to do with you.

The drinking is not the only problem, it’s just the one that is most problematic. My reaction is very irrational to you and to most of the world I imagine. I do have a problem with being with a spouse that hides the drink, lies about the drink, drinks to excess and whispers things that are never meant to be heard and should not be heard even by me. I wish I could tell you that things will go back to normal, but I know that they won’t. The entire family is in one transition or another. I can assure you that everything will work out fine. This I know is true.

I am very concerned for you my youngest darling because life is sacred and I am at a loss as to know how to help you but I will continue trying until we find an answer. You may go with Him if you wish but I will never let go even when you are running down the street in the rain, where I found you tonight. We will continue to have conversations because I know you are hurting. My hurt is irrelevant. You are so much more important than I am. I will not let go. Ever. Please don’t have these terrifying thoughts. When I gently pry them from your mind, I am so afraid. It’s too late to place blame. It doesn’t matter. You matter. I watch you closely because I am afraid you will disappear into the hell that has become your life. I will protect you my youngest child. I will not let go. I will protect you my love. If you choose to go with Him, it is fine my love. I am afraid that He will not do the best for you only because I am a control freak. I know He loves you and your brother. If you go, I have to trust that you will be fine but I will not let go of your hand. Ever.

My older love, my precious heart, I will always be here for you whether or not our family breaks apart. I am sorry for my own inappropriate behavior and my uncontrollable anger. I will never come in between you and Him.

If a tear in the lining is necessary, and it seems He wants to be free, then I will make sure it’s amicable. He wants to be free. HATE is about as clear as one can be. He wants to live the rest of his life doing what he wants, with who he wants. I released him.

I only want peace and quiet. A sober life. A life that may include a drink now and then, but I don’t like being the alcohol police, nor the fun sucker of the family. I want to live quietly. I want to  be well. I don’t want to cry and scream and be angry all the time.

I promise there will be as little drama as possible and not one word from my mouth will be bad towards Him. I have released him as he asked. I will always be there for you but I will be quiet for I know you need relief from the turmoil we have been living through. I know you need peace and quiet and you will get that from me. I promise.

I love you both so very much and am being quiet for a while to think things through. You both are of paramount importance to me. I am praying and I am thinking and letting things percolate in my mind before I make any decision or before I allow any decision to be made for me. However, if He wants to be free as he says he does, then I give him his freedom. We both love you two so very much. We are not leaving you. He is leaving me but he is not leaving you. Rest well my loves, I will be fine. So Will he.

You both are everything to me and I promise you I will not let you down. But I will not continue to be verbally abused or treated badly. But I will always be there for you both. When you look behind you I will be there, carrying my sword if necessary, allowing you to live your lives, but watching out for you until you can watch out for yourselves. This is my word. I promise.

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