A few weeks ago I posted about my two daughters graduating from college and my temper exploded due to my hubs drinking to excess. Furious is an understatement. #3 didn’t talk to me for two weeks. I was so down and depressed about it. I missed her each and every day so very much. I cried buckets. I was to blame of course for my losing my temper and daddy was not blamed for anything, in fact, she stayed in touch with him the entire time which really ticked me off more.
I suffer from terrible anxiety and my tummy was torn up by my Anxiety hammering me. I began to think that perhaps the relationship could not be repaired, all because she said I ruined her graduation.
Then on the other hand I am Mad at all of them (the Family) because they know I have Anxiety and they seem to Forget that I am not to be under this Stress. They don’t even care not one bit. Self centered much? I Never treated my beloved Mom or Dat that way. I Always cared for them deeply and they Knew It. I don’t know what is wrong with the Younger Generation these days, at least my bunch, not talking about anyone else….You think you instill the Value of Family, the importance of Family, the love of Family, always having one another’s back no matter What…and then they act like a@#holes….and you wonder where they got it from? Not from parenting….Good parents can have crummy kids that’s for sure….not that my kids are crummy just very ‘into their own wellness’ and well being as they say…..what a load of crap.
Over the weekend, I took her to look at wedding gowns. I was surprised she still wanted me to go. It was a bit chilly between us at first but I told her how much I missed her and we made up. Kind of.. Thank God. However, she is embarking on a new life, getting married next year, moving to another state in a month (of course daddy is accompanying her and her fiance to help them get settled in five states away) and she has much on her mind. She doesn’t want to be involved in family or marital problems, nor should she. However, the entire scenario was quite a shock. I never thought anything could come between us. I was Wrong. Now I tread carefully. Sheesh you think you know people. Guard your heart. Back to that again. I thought I was over that phase in my life with men.
I know I will eventually complete my degree, my book, will be starting a part time job care-giving again, have a Life, homeschooling #6 ‘s last year, finding my place…but I don’t like it.
I am a control freak. I am so used to being the Sun. The Matriarch, The One in Charge of one’s emotions, in charge of the Family, all of these things. I don’t like my new life. I despise it.
I have plans to incorporate new things, new people, new experiences, new church, etc., but haven’t as yet had the time to do it nor the energy. Moving is also a Factor. It’s hard to move to the boon docks. I am not a country person. I love visiting, but didn’t want to live here. But it’s necessary so there you have it…all of these things will work out but it’s tough getting to where one is comfortable. Changes are so difficult. Being needed so much and then dropped like that favorite pair of tennis shoes in the back of the closet is Not Fun nor is it uplifting or rewarding. So of course I am not a Wallower. I will get myself together. But for now it’s a bit challenging to say the least.
I have a friend that was featured in a book about older folks, (older than me, can you imagine?) that have gone on to live phenomenal lives after their kids moved out and moved on…I don’t strive for Great Expectations, just for Peace and tranquility, for Purpose, for Not Feeling So Blue….Thank God for being able to blog about it. It helps me to keep my mouth shut. God Forbid I say something Wrong and am labeled, ‘crazy’ again. I am beginning to hate that word…