I have been feeling sorry for myself lately. I hate to admit it, but there it is. At the same time I have been feeling sorry for myself, I have been trying to improve some things in my life that I can control.
For example, I have not been reading my Bible as much, nor focusing on God’s word like I used to. I am not mad at God, nor have turned away from Him, but after my son’s heart disease diagnosis six months ago, I just ….stopped. I stopped my daily readings before that, and I don’t even know why..
Since February of this year, we have moved, one of my kids is moving 24 hours a way by car and starting a new job, new life….Getting married next year….The other graduated and is still at home, but finding her way….a new boyfriend, looking for jobs…..
The two youngest boys are still at home, but the older one that has heart disease works all the time and is soon to start back to college…..I live from one doc visit of his to another. He is taking it in stride….
My older son is not mad at me, but because I disappointed him the beginning of June, didn’t go to an event with him, no longer invites me over. Likes to tell me everything I Should be doing..(like I don’t know that)….
My older daughter is married, lives only about three hours away and has a baby which I barely see because of my Life and my Anxiety….
So I have been feeling lonely and alone. Moving to the country, not being in a ‘real house’, just one of bedrooms, under construction, it has not been a Joy. I Hate being Broke.
Being self employed for over twenty years, I am used to selling every job, or almost every job. I am what is called, ‘a closer’. Alas, yesterday, as I was on the road all day, not one job was sold. I will probably close them eventually, but in construction, you must be Patient which I am Not. I also care give part time but have decided to give up that job, even though I really love the lady I care for. Her daughter post dated my check and it is an hour drive to and from…not worth it. I am now job hunting for part time work again…ugh.
Due to money, the lack thereof, I am unable to get my bottom partial so still look like a wolf. Therefore, it is the service industry for me until I get my teeth in order. Some of my kids think it’s ‘beneath me’ but I don’t. I am not formally educated, I look like a wolf, a fast food restaurant or a convenience store is fine for me. Just a little extra each week would help.
I home school, just one more year (!!) so a full time job is not possible right now anyway. Still, I am bored. I take laundry out each week, I clean the house, I don’t cook anymore because no one eats what I make. They all like the hubs to cook on the grill although he gets home to late to be cooking for my liking…..then I feel guilty because he is cooking instead of me….the cycle goes on.
A friend told me other day that they are planning their family vacation. Herself and her husband, her two daughters and their husbands, and their grandchildren. They all go on vacation together each year. I have to admit that I was jealous in a good way. If all my kids and the hubs and I went on a vacation: Number one, we would not be able to afford to pay for all of them (my friend pays)…Number two, the kids, both adult and teen would be fighting, griping, holding grudges, talking about each other, causing trouble…..I would have to go to the other side of the island or whatever to get away from all of the bickering.
I never envisioned this. I envisioned a large farm with everyone having their own tract of land (that I gave them of course) with a small house on it. They didn’t have to live there, but they would have a place to call their own if they ever wanted to. The children and grandchildren would come to visit. I would have a comfortable kitchen and cook big meals and good food with my daughters, daughter in laws, and grandchildren. I would have my pool of course with Summer Fun. That was my dream. It is not going to happen. They all have their own lives except the youngest two and they are on their way as well. I have been put in the back seat so to speak.
Anxiety keeps me flaky and unreliable. If there is an emergency I rally, but otherwise, my teeth will blow, my lady problems will start up, or Something….Therefore I am unreliable to babysit or visit my eldest daughter. She is used to having a Mother that is not Present. Her step mom and her dad are a Huge part of her life, not me. I try not to cry, but sometimes I do. It’s not how I wanted my life to be. It’s not how I want my life to be. But It Is. I hate it. My teeth keep me hiding because I look so bad. Some days I am walking in Victory or trying to. Others I am in my House of Bedrooms wondering what in the world I am doing. I am praying. Praying for answers.
I have not been feeling well because of dental problems, lady problems, being sick because of this medicine or that medicine….not my way of spending a summer. I am not depressed, I am just….down feeling.
I met with a customer yesterday that is quite a bit older than me. She lives in a beautiful home, obviously has Money to do what she wants. She mentioned one of her kids lives in South Carolina, about 12 hours away. She doesn’t see her but once or twice a year. I wanted to ask her how she handles it, but was afraid to. She goes to a local wellness center for seniors Every Day and exercises and enjoys her friends. She babysits one of her grandchildren once a week. She is involved in all kinds of things. I wondered if I had a nice house and Money, would I be happier? Probably not. Not being defeatist, just being realistic. I think I am kind of broken. Or maybe in a canoe all by myself, just letting the river current take me along…..not paddling nor steering, not enjoying the scenery, just drifting along…..therefore my Prayers for Purpose…..
I am thankful for my blog. It’s a safe place for me to write my feelings. No judgement from anyone. An occasional comment or suggestion that I rattle around in my head and usually try. I have so many regrets. I have spent so much time not being able to Handle my Life and a few of my children have Suffered and I can’t get that time back. I try not to Dwell on my Terrible Mistakes, but it seems like they creep in mind more frequently than they used to….
My daughter who is moving out west leaves a void in my heart. She only lives about thirty minutes a way and once she went off to college, I made myself scarce, wanting to give her space, but maybe that wasn’t the best thing to do. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, missing her already. The hubs has cautioned me in seeing her and showing her my emotions because she works two jobs, and is so busy getting ready to move to another state….but each time I see her, all I want to do is burst into tears….
I have been reading many books, which I am thankful for the time to do so. I blog, work on my book sometimes, but wonder if it will ever be finished….
A strange thing that has begun to occur is that the four youngest children seem to gravitate to the hubs. I am glad for him, but a little jealous. He seems to be the stable one, the fun one, the one they talk to. If I voice my opinion, which I am wont to do, it is quickly shot down, and they seem to jump on me and accuse me of causing trouble….very weird. I don’t really understand that either…..
I wonder if all these bottled up emotions are normal? I know that things will work themselves out like they always do. I know that God will answer my prayers and give me Peace and Purpose. I am just very Impatient.