Anxiety and me….

Anxiety tickles my tummy tonight. It’s bad enough that #5 rides a motorcycle. It scares me. His ability to ride does not scare me, it’s the other vehicles on the road, along with the fact that road conditions are not always optimal that bothers me. It’s scary too that he drives his car like a maniac….he says he doesn’t but all of his siblings stir the pot and I hear all about his shenanigans. However, he is a good driver and still ‘practices’ on back roads although he has had his license for two years. I could read a book while he is driving, and for the most part, he is safe.

Tonight, he mentioned casually, “I’m going out with my friends, be back later”….and walks out the door. I listened for the da@@ bike to start, but no noise. His mustang is parked away from the house, so figured he took his car. I went to take out the dogs and his car is here. I asked the hubs to text him because I Was Not Going to…I just aggravate him, and he is 18 after all……For some strange reason, he is out with his friends with Someone else driving….okayyyyyy. Shut Up Anxiety. Yes I am very Anxious. #5 has the heart condition. That’s enough to drive me batsh@@ crazy, but going out with Another Driver??  Are they drinking? Are they high? I know #5 does not do drugs nor drink, but is he smart enough to Get Out of The Car if someone else is driving crazy or under the influence?? Probably Not!

Do I have faith in my kids? NO!!  Why?? Experience my dears, experience. After all I have been through with my children, most of whom are grown, I absolutely do not think that they use the sense that God Gave Them. I would never have thought that they would go off to college and Drink and Booze and Get High…,(not my angels)….until I would unexpectedly pop up on campus, or walk in their dorms and see what they were up to. I never announced that I was coming by the way. I used to browse their Face Books now and then and I could tell that they were Not Sober… Let me tell you, I have seen so much..

At any rate, tonight Anxiety is kicking my sides, yes they hurt. My head hurts, rapid heart beat, sweating palms, feeling like I can’t Breathe….all of the typical symptoms of Anxiety…

And let me tell you, #5 is cunning!! I didn’t even hear a car pull up and I hear Everything. So whatever he is up to, he does not want me to Know. I really don’t mind that he goes out, he works very hard and he has a night off from work. He is probably just playing Pokemon on his phone or some such foolishness, or driving around. One good thing is that in my small town, police are Everywhere. I hope the fools aren’t on the country back roads driving Too Fast.

I have known too many families that have lost children in car accidents and it scares me so much. I still worry when #5 is driving, but for the most part, he is a good driver, and would not drive drunk nor push the envelope too far. Whoever he is with tonight? I have No Idea!

I had to take a little Helper tonight to control myself. It’s not working very well….

My very wise psychologist that I saw for years, but no longer see, told me once that I create Anxiety for myself and I suspect he is right for the most part. However, I will keep my phone by my head tonight if I sleep at all until he comes home. The next time he pulls this, I will be prepared. I will follow him out, see who he is with,and where they are going, what they are up to, pretty much Embarrass him. I would rather he Be The Driver….

I was thinking about all of this when the hubs suddenly told me that he was Not Happy about #5 Going Out with Friends and Him Not Driving…maybe I am not as crazy as I think..

Shut up Anxiety!!


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