Four more days…

In just four days my beloved #3, my happy bird, (her nickname since she was a baby) is not only spreading her wings, but Flying Fast and Furious across the country to start her new life. She will arrive at her new home on Sunday and be at work teaching the following week. She has never been that far from home except of course on her overseas trips while she was in college. She will be with her beloved fiance so she won’t be alone, but I will miss her so much. I think I started missing her in March when I learned where she was going to be teaching. I couldn’t believe it.  I of course wish all the best for her, I know she will Thrive. However, I never expected my kids to move so far away…I don’t know why. It’s a normal thing to do. I just could never imagine it, never even Thought of it.

I know parents kiss their kids good bye and they go off to other countries for jobs, for the military, or move to other states, but I never thought I would be one of them. I thought we would all live within a few hours of each other… I know we will call, email, text, and Skype, and I am so Thankful for the Technology now more than ever!!  However, even though she only lives about thirty minutes away now, and I Never Visit, I know I Can. Does that make sense? Probably not…..

I found myself thinking of this today and wondered if I would be different if I didn’t suffer from Anxiety….I mean, people hop  planes and trains and drive to see their family all the time. It’s a Problem for me. Somehow I am going to have to Get Over It. I don’t know how I will accomplish this. I am at a dead end.

The other problem is #5. When I found out about #5 and his heart disease almost a year ago I was and am still adamant that I will be ‘near by’ until he moves out on his own or goes to University or Gets Married. That may seem unreasonable to some, but until you have lived it, you can’t know what it’s like. I would just worry the entire time I Went Anywhere. I do know myself pretty well. It’s just the way it is. I won’t change that about myself and I don’t care how crazy it sounds. If something horrible happens it will probably be on his dam@@ motorcycle, not his heart. But I Must Stay Near, so unless the hubs is here, I won’t be traveling to see #3 unless #5 is with us.

#5 does not let his disease stop him from going anywhere. He traveled to see #2 today, three hours one way on his bike. (of course he did not tell me until he arrived there).. He is much more accepting of his condition than I am. I am very grateful for that. He stays hydrated, works, and will soon be back in school for his last year of community college. He does not talk about his condition at all. If he has symptoms, he does not tell me. Sometimes he bring something up, and I call the doctor. His next ‘Big’ visit is in two weeks. Hopefully nothing has changed. However, I am always within a few hours distance from the house unless it’s an emergency.

I think maybe I am this way about her moving to another state because I was tethered to my beloved Mom (grandmother) who raised me. I would not have moved far from her. I could not do it, although I certainly did Try when I was young. I did finally move about an hour from her but I did visit twice a week every week and sometimes more..She was a Huge part of my life. I didn’t want to move far from her…

Anxiety has always been my sidekick, but did not manifest itself in my physical body as in Symptoms until I was 27. Then the struggle began in Earnest. I could still function though. I still function now, I just avoid situations that will invite Anxiety to come out in Full Force. I have learned through trial and error, as well as Years of Therapy, what to avoid, and most importantly, how to Say No Thank You. I do disappoint my family quite a bit. They would prefer that I join them in activities that make me feel Anxious. I also have those Little Helpers to ease Anxiety, but traveling States Away anytime Soon? Not going to happen. This fact that I know, makes me sad.

#2 has spent the entire summer at home with the baby and I wanted to spend at least a week each month with her. She is also a school teacher and will be going back to school soon and I haven’t been there once.

It will be the same with #3 and her move so far away. To be fair to myself, the reason I have not gone to see #2 is not so much Anxiety as being Sick. It’s no fun to visit with someone that feels like they are going to barf every minute. One infection after another, one drug after another, one tooth pulled after another, it’s really been too much….

One thing that I am doing to help myself is get a part time job. With just the two teens here, and #4 sometimes, there’s not much for me to do. My ‘real’ job has turned into a part time job as well. Since moving to the Fixer Upper, I am not selling things online anymore, nor running my antique booth, nor going to estate sales, things that kept me busy. I need the extra money and I need to be around people. I am just trying to figure all of this stuff out right now.

It’s exhausting…

 

 

 

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