God is always first. My greatest Love
I have always felt that one’s greatest love should be their partner, their life mate, their spouse. A lady once told me that she loved her husband and children the same but in different ways. I was young when she told me that and was a single parent at the time. My son was the greatest love of my life. I have said that I have already had the greatest love, one that many would not understand because it was my Mom (grandmother). Of course I love the hubs, and my children. My ‘degree’ of love for my children is a little weird I think. I love them with every fiber of my being. I love them maybe too much, which sounds terrible. My Mom was very controlling and wanted to Run my Life because she Knew What was Best For Me. In hindsight, she probably did, but I still did what I wanted.
Now that my children are moving on, moving out, moving away…..I am filled with such overwhelming and bewildering sorrow. How can one teach their children to think for themselves, pray for them to wait on the Lord for their spouses, encourage them to see the world, travel the world, make their own decisions, try new things, and then shrivel up into a puddle of despair when they begin to do just as you taught them? I have no answer to those questions, but I feel like I am a big puddle of sadness as they are leaving the nest.
Perhaps the answer is because I have been so wrapped up in them for so many years. Even working, taking care of my parents, always being a hamster on a wheel, my children were what I cared about the most. Maybe because my bio mom didn’t love me or want me that much. When I first became a mother, it was the most wonderful Event in my life. Not the birth itself (HURT) but being a Mother left me Amazed and that amazement grew with each child I had. I have never gotten over the Amazement of Them. I am completely In Love with all of Them.
That leaves me at a disadvantage as they are leaving the nest. What now? My job? My company? No big deal. Can do it with my eyes closed. A new job? Yes, I am getting a part time job to fill my time. Dance lessons for the upcoming wedding? Sure. (yawn)..Exercise, lose weight, get that ‘eating plan’ on track? Sure. (feel the enthusiasm?) Finish The Book? (why not, with all the time on my hands….) Visit the older ones that are within driving distance? Okay….if I don’t let Anxiety overtake me…..Wallow?
Oh please did I really just say that? I am not one to Wallow!!
When young, and a problem or person or sadness or Anxiety tried to drag me down into the dirt, I threw myself into work and I think that’s a pretty good idea right now….