Back Story: I have been down for 11 days with diverticulitis. It’s weird because it’s my fourth bout and I always forget how awful it is. First the pain, then the meds that make you sick, then pure liquids for four days, followed by a week of bland foods which you don’t even want to eat anyway. Several trips to the bathroom before you can start your day, then doctor’s visits, talks of colon surgery, weakness and depression…..One would think that one’s children who are all over the age of 15 would have a little compassion…..Nope. Some of you know I live in fixer upper.I am grateful for it. However, we have only one bathroom.
I usually do not name my children except by order of their births, (#1-6), but for today’s story I will use their ages to identify them.
The 18 year old was in the shower. How long does it take? It was over thirty minutes. His brother, the 15 year old, was pounding on the door. He had to go…. The 18 year old refused to open the door, so the 15 year old got a fork from the kitchen to open the door. Shouting was heard as I am across the hall. The 21 year old was sitting in a chair in my room, telling me all about her boyfriend woes and job woes and suddenly jumped up and joined the fray. By this time, it was Quite Loud. The door was open and the three of them were hollering and Yelling and using Profanity at each other. The 18 year old was yelling something and wrapped a towel around himself. He said the 15 year old stabbed him with the fork. I did not see it nor any blood, couldn’t find the ridiculous fork and tried to maneuver the three of them toward the bathroom door. I succeeded. I then locked the door so I could pee!!
It took me all of three seconds. Then I opened the door and told the 15 year old he could have the bathroom. The 21 year old yelled at me that the 15 year old had gone outside (thank God we are in the country) and was pooping outside like a dog and it was all my fault for darting in the bathroom stealthily (like I can really ‘dart’ anywhere) and sneakily peed. (really??) She then informed me that this house was an, ‘unhealthy environment’ for her and she was leaving. I asked her if I could please have a date on her departure because I need a bedroom so I can have a living room. My ‘living room’ is my bedroom. My house is a fixer upper with bedrooms. No living room, in order For Them to have a bedroom. She was outside fuming in her car, texting her friends on how Horrible her Home Life was…..
Meanwhile, the 15 year old had Not pooped outside, he just stepped out on the back porch to cool off and then entered the bathroom to do his business and got in the shower. I did not hear a car start up, so went outside to find the 21 year old sitting in her car.
Upon entering the house, the 18 year old was shining his motorcycle helmet. He said he agreed with the 21 year old that this is a very unhealthy environment for children. (sorry, the eggs don’t work anymore and there are No babies here)… He then went on to impart his great wisdom and told me that the 15 year old and I were the culprits. We were the reason that everything is Wrong. I calmly told him to take a number and get in line for Complaints About Your Mother. There were four other children ahead of him. He took off for work on his bike three hours early and the 21 year screeched that he left early because I am an Awful Mother.
The 21 year old then flounced herself back into my room. I asked her why she was here. She said she was leaving. She told me Her Tires Were Flat and her Brakes Were Squeaking like it was My Fault. She then asked for my car keys. I calmly told her that there are bikes behind the shed and she is welcome to ride her little recently graduated From College Tail wherever she pleases.
I know very well these brats, I mean grown children I have raised and knew that they would run to Daddy and tell him how Awful I was, sneaking into the bathroom to pee. I texted the hubs the entire tale and he is, as I am writing, hooking up a toilet that we do have and intended to install at Some Point When Something Isn’t Going Wrong. We do have it framed, but no drywall. He will hang tarps around for privacy. At least no more shenanigans for the bathroom!!
I was too appalled by all of Them to be angry and too sick to do anything about it. Instead I laughed and laughed and laughed. While laughing so hard of course my tummy started hurting but then I was laughing and crying at the same time. Now I hurt!