Here one day, Gone the next…

#3 has moved to the West. During my recent bout of illnesses, I was not focused on anything but my own misery.

Thus, missing her was in my heart, but not that heart wrenching, tears rolling down, black- hole void- kind of missing— because I did not care about anything except trying to get down the next pill, which would make me feel even worse.

Last week she face timed me and I felt so ashamed of the way I looked. Old and sick. However, it was nice to know that she is doing well and seems to be quite happy in her new home. She even went so far as to say that she is staying out west.

When she first moved I was quiet about my feelings but slowly and surely I ran my Big Mouth and made snide remarks and little jabs here and there…most of which were probably taken the wrong way, but assuredly hurt her feelings just the same.

I wrote her an email after we face timed and told her that I was sorry and that I will no longer be making snide comments, nor making jokes that are not appreciated. I will support her in her decision to make a permanent home out west.

When she lived locally, we spoke every day or almost every day and usually texted everyday. I try and text her a “kissy face or something” each day just to let her know I am thinking of her….She of course made promises that we would still talk everyday and text and face time and skype. I have not heard from her for four days.

That is normal for some families I know. However, when you speak to a loved one every day for  years, consider them one of your dearest friends, share all kinds of things and then it suddenly stops:

One feels sad. A void. Hurt.

I know that she is busy with her new job and new apartment and her beloved, but I just wonder how a relationship that I thought was so Close and almost Sacred could just:

Stop….

I know that I can just as easily call her, but I find myself not wanting to interfere with whatever she is doing when not working. I don’t want to interrupt whatever she may be doing with her fiance…sometimes I feel like, “I am going to call her anyway the H@@@ with it”…and I did a few times but felt I was in the way even though we are 1200 miles apart….

So weird.

I know that I will get used to this ‘new normal’ and I am not Distraught, just confused…Perhaps because my mom and I talked every day, sometimes more than once. Of course I always lived within a hour of her and visited for sure at a minimum of once a week even when I was having all of the six babies, running a company, and running a household. I am not saying I was better.

I just think I am the lucky one. I had such a wonderful love (and sometimes hate) relationship with my mom. (grandmother)…I am so thankful for that.

I will just continue focusing on my recovery and health and homeschooling and all the other things I have to do and let it play out…..but every now and then, like this morning it touches my heart and I miss her so much….

and wonder if she misses me at all…

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