Can a writer write about good things? Of course! Even when they are living under a dark cloud? I think not….
Think of Poe. Of Hawthorne. Of Hemingway. Of Sylvia Plath ….I really don’t like reading depressing things or stories or books.
However, all of the posts I have written this day are about dark things. I did not think I had it in me. I don’t think it’s “in me”. I think it’s My Life.
It has not always been this way..Perhaps it’s my age. I am seeing things differently than I used to. I feel Compelled to change my life. I just don’t feel Compelled to change in such a way that will compromise my beliefs.
The worst part about it is that I always had this, “Little House on the Prairie” way of thinking about the future…You know, Ma and Pa still loving each other after years and years…..kids growing up to be productive and helping out on the farm and such nonsense. It’s not real Life.
I also think I read too many romance books when I was young. I really do think I got caught up in all that, “Knight and Shining Armor” crap. That’s what is is: a story. Not Real Life.
I never thought I would “give up” on anything, especially my family.
Here is a quick story:
When I was young, I was married, had a child, and got divorced by age 21. My first husband, which I have blogged about in the past was an abuser, physically and mentally. I tried to ‘fix him’. No luck. At any rate, after much abuse and sorrow, I decided one day, and it happened just like that: I was leaving.
I got up for work, took my son to the sitter, called out sick from work and went straight to an attorney’s office. Divorce papers were delivered in 48 hours. I thought about doing it for months. I just never acted on it. I had no idea if I would act on it, or when I would act on it. I just woke up one morning, driving to work, and knew I had enough. It was a painfully long journey, but that one morning, while sitting in traffic, I did it. It was really that simple. The years following that decision was spent in court, tied up in knots, afraid for my life, and many other horrors, but I was Free and that’s all that mattered. To spice up the pot for an uncontested divorce, I even took all of the bills, including his car payment which I faithfully paid until I was 26. That’s how bad I wanted Out. I told myself I would never be in that situation again.
I know myself. I have a sinking suspicion that I will do it again. I don’t want to. I am so much older now and starting over will be doubly hard than it was when I was young. The children are grown or almost grown, except for the almost 16 year old will no doubt choose to live with his beloved Dark Father. My only wish is that I hope my two youngest boys will allow me to share their life..
I have thought much about this. I love my husband. I really do. I care for him deeply. I can not be completely disrespected nor disregarded nor tolerate anymore emotional abuse. This I know with certainty.
I know people Can Change. I just don’t think he Will Change. It will be a shock to him for sure. He thinks I will stay around and put up with things that I have Never Tolerated from the very beginning….I am an easy target for his Darkness.
But that no longer matters.
Freedom matters. Freedom to find myself again.
There will be sorrow. My kids think I am crazy and intolerant. I think they are spoiled and acting stupid. They know better than to use profanity all the time, disrespect their mother, drink and carry on…
It will rip this family apart if I remove myself from it.
I don’t want to do it. However, threatening will do No Good. I have been putting up with it for too long. It won’t happen overnight. I have to have money. I have to have a job. The business will need to be sold, but since I stupidly put it in the Dark One’s name years ago because he squandered my company while doing heroin and cocaine, I had to file for bankruptcy. Therefore, it is in his name. He will no doubt take it from me. I don’t care. I am too old to be running crews anyway. Let him have it. Just like the first marriage….take it all but be Free from Abuse….even verbal abuse or whatever kind of abuse it is….
I am making plans….I am digging my escape hatch and it will take some time– attorneys will need to be talked to as well as my business accountant.
Maybe a miracle will happen. I believe in Miracles.
It will surely take one for me to continue in this situation…..
Maybe I will have to start another blog as I start this uncharted journey so my daughters and their tattle tale friends that sometimes read my blog won’t know what I am thinking…