I did not think any thing of it other than joy when I had my last child at 38. I had no idea that I would have trouble coping with Life when he was a mid teen. I had my first child at 18 and subsequently, five more over the course of twenty years….
When young, I took care of my parents, raised my kids, ran a business, worked two jobs, had tons of energy and was probably too busy to worry about anything.
I had an S on my chest and wore an invisible cape and could fly as well. (metaphorically speaking of course!!)
I read, learned about all kinds of things, always knew what to do in an emergency—could nurse a baby while shopping (For Real and no one knew it), went to every soccer game and basketball game, cheer leading practice, horseback riding lessons, dance lessons, shows, rehearsals….with five kids (and usually their friends in tow)….was a girl scout leader, gave swimming lessons, helped with homework, cooked three meals a day, kept a spotless house, had friends in the neighborhood, went to church, took care of my parents (gladly) and worked like a dog in Construction no less without breaking a sweat. For Real.
Am I so great? No. God just gave a great gift of Energy. He also gave me a mind that I refused to use out of ignorance.
Am I sorry I had so many kids, some of those in my mid to late thirties? NO!!
The only regret I had and have, is that I married one that I thought was my best friend, my knight in shining armor, and knew him for two years before even dating….and did not leave when I was young…..I thought I could cope with an addict–Hey– he got sober…had no inkling, nor did I Think to look into it and how it would affect him in the future…Nah, I just went my merry way thinking everything would be Fine. Well, Surprise!! It’s not.Gloomy days became gray days Gray days became Cloudy and Gloomy and Gray then darkness and one addiction was traded for another then the rain came and when the rain stopped there was darkness….the darkness could be kept at bay but now it is creeping in and rarely goes away and I am in a Trap and don’t have my young energy nor coping skills to Run from it……
However, I never thought about the future in any real sense. Hence, losing our home, not seeing the economy would tank, not having the vision to see that our school district would change and suck and then home schooling…..not foreseeing an empty nest and preparing myself for it. Knowing about Menopause, but thinking…..that’s a long time from now…
Here it is!
No planning. Not thinking about Me and what I would do as the nest starts to empty. Never realizing that Love Does Not Fix Everything. Seeing a marriage Holding on by a Thread. There. I said it. Gasp! It’s all true.
Remembering tucking in children at night, sometimes they would be crying. Being able to make it better by reading another story….Now tucking in a teen who is too old to be tucked in, tears rolling down his face..he is so embarrassed….he is depressed, he is suffering Empty Nest too and doesn’t realize it nor understand it….he is terrified that he is almost Grown…last year of home school and off to community college….has to finish driving course, no friends since we have no internet for him to play his games on— and moved to the country…living in a Fixer Upper For Real, not enough money to fix it. …..he’s the last one and has no memories of the good times that the grown children have…..me just standing there frantically sending up prayers for Help!! …..
Older kids that have moved out Hammering me with Advice, or Pressing upon me that the last one must be my Priority….I must Push Through…or the other grown kid not even calling nor keeping in touch and living so Far Away…..
Three kids at home, one with one foot out the door, going to the boyfriend because the home life Sucks as it’s said, the other with heart disease and Pushing the Limit although trying to squeeze every bit of Joy out of life and then the youngest…..stuck with the craziness of a Life falling apart, a Marriage in Tatters, a Dad that is Dark, a Mom that is sick all the time and a victim of Anxiety, frantically seeing that the S on her chest has faded, the cape has frayed, she can’t fly anymore….
Silken dark brown tresses streaked with gray, curvy little body now misshapen from babies and carrying too much weight, knees that hurt, weirdo illnesses, Anxiety, high blood pressure, scaring myself all the time, putting a smile on to go to work and Sell That Job in order to Make that Money and pay those Bills…..racing home to make sure home schooling has been done…..can’t wait for bedtime….wanting to run down the road screaming, wanting to leave, to escape…to start over…How? No Money!!
Wanting to take the last kid fishing because Dad won’t or can’t or Whatever…wanting to take him to museums (boring) aquariums(boring)….name the thought…I have thought of it. He doesn’t want MAWM anyway, he wants his siblings, his Dad, friends…He’s a virtual kid. It’s the way it is. A new world. I don’t like it but can’t change it. Hoping he will pull out of his depression…watching him like a hawk..determined to be consistent with schooling this year….push through….push through….even though I am terrified….
Having to work yet another job at night because of all the Bills we owe, poor credit scores, unable to get an equity loan, hoping the car doesn’t break down, listening to complaints from the hubs on every job he does…he feels old, breaking down, blah blah blah……
..Trying to start a new life for myself too….others do it; why can’t I? Wanting to get that book published, maybe I can write for a living? What a joke to think that it will really happen that way….
I tell myself just one more year. Then what? I don’t know but I am surely looking forward to finding out…..
how great I can really be–can’t I?
It’s exhausting, I just want a simple life and Peace….