I had 12 kids….

This story is about a subject that is rarely talked about. It’s gut wrenching, sorrowful, Dark, depressing, and completely like the Bottom Falling out of your World…….

Miscarriage.

I had many. I have six children, and boy do I ever miss their childhood days. However, I also had six other children….miscarried.

Everywhere I went I saw a pregnant lady. Babies were popping out all over the place, but not for me. I went to doctors as did the hubs, (he was normal in those days) and it was not a fertility problem, which is another gut wrenching sorrowful story…..Miscarriages just happen. Doctors don’t know why if there is not a physical or physiological reason. It just happens.

All of the miscarriages were awful. One of them was when I was very young, married for the first time to the Awful and horrid man of my youth…..I was only 17. He was abusive and a kick to the tummy and cramps a day later lead to a miscarriage. It was early days, maybe 8 weeks, but no less painful.

Years later, remarried, three kids later, and I discovered I was pregnant….this time with twins. In those days we did not have the benefit of modern medicine and the 3-D sonograms, but we did have sonograms and saw Joy of Joys!!  Twins!!  Jumping the gun, for we thought all was well, we purchased a big ole custom van ( I then despised that van) and began making plans for Two of everything. I even wore this adorable T-Shirt with a big circle that showed two babies. I was so happy. If I could have bottled HCG (the pregnancy hormone) I would probably be the happiest woman on earth. I was always thrilled beyond words when pregnant, but having twins!!!  I was ecstatic !!  Twins run in my family and I was not Surprised, but I was Surprised, you know?

They were about 6 weeks old and in the 8th week or so, I began bleeding. Everything was done that was possible to prevent that miscarriage, but to no avail…..two little ones there one day and gone the next…..

I went through this for about twelve years. That’s why I am so crazy (most of the time) about the children I was able to have, but miss the childhood days. I am glad that they are growing up and living their lives, but miss those days of sticky hands, spilled sippy cups, spilled milk, crying, rocking, hugging, reading, playing, laughter and giggles…..

Some women I have known can cope quite well after a miscarriage. I never did. I was one of those women that was Sure it was My Fault in some way. I blamed myself, and I suffered great sorrow. I cried buckets. I was a nervous wreck during every pregnancy until I passed the first trimester and even then I was on edge.The good thing I can say is that I had a great group of doctors, I still see them even at my age. They helped greatly through those trying times and were very upset when I miscarried and you could hear the whoops of joy when that sonogram showed a healthy baby growing…..

Those were awfully sad days.

They were also wonderful days when I was told the baby I was carrying was just fine….

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