When I think of what is going on in my life, and what has been going on in the past six months, I think of all of the silly and ridiculous mishaps I have had and the subsequent antibiotics and diverticulitis and now the high blood pressure….
A trip to the doctor, both in the past two weeks— brought some good results, but also the same old suggestion for me to go into Therapy. “To Talk To Someone”…..To me, the anxiety and stress is normal. It is Not. To someone else, like a doctor, they suggest therapy, and probably rightly so.
I have been in therapy in one way or another, for reasons I already know about, since I was 16 years old. When a little child is unwanted, then thrown around to relatives, then kidnapped by their birth parents, then abused sexually, physically and psychologically, that little child breaks. With determination and a will to Get Well, they walk into a therapist’s office, a social worker’s office, a psychiatrist’s office, or see a psychologist for over 15 years straight…. they get married to an abuser and then to another type of abuser and have a family and take care of their parents and try to forget the Bad Things and the Bad times….it catches up with you. Do you ever heal? I don’t think so. I have tried all kinds of ways to end my Anxiety once and for all, including medication which makes one feel like a Zombie and packs on the pounds ….and realize finally that there is no magic pill…..You just have to do the best you can do to better your life with what you’ve got. Even if I had the money to see a therapist or make my escape, I am not sure that Anxiety would magically go away….
When one is broken, one is broken. One can certainly try all the relaxing techniques in the world, as well hobbies, walking, exercise, you name it….the person is still broken. I don’t want to say there is no hope.
I pray and pray and leave my troubles at the Cross, or try to…and I do get a sense of Peace. I know that none of this is a surprise to God. However, He knows my Beginning and End and I know He will guide me through this troubled journey called Life….
There is no way I can afford therapy nor is there no way I am going back to it. I am not going to start all over again and rehash the past and the anguish and the sorrow and the sadness because I have to relive it.
I refuse to do That.