An early phone call…

I received an early phone call this morning from #3.  She is two hours behind me, as she is on Mountain Time. I knew immediately that she was sick…really sick.

A trip to the drive thru doctor confirmed high white cells as well as ‘something suspicious’ on her kidney, perhaps a stone. She was in much pain.

I wanted her to go to the er and get confirmation of what was wrong…kidney infection or kidney stone but she took the doc at her word and has antibiotics and went home. She said she was feeling better but I still worry…

I was on the way to my grandson’s birthday party. #4 and her boyfriend were driving the six hour round trip journey. I put in my headphones and listened to all of the old songs that reminded me of #3. Of course the tears were pouring down my face. I miss her so….but they were good tears I think. I needed to get the sorrow out instead of holding it in. If she were closer, I could have gone to her and helped to care for her.

I hated it when the children were sick when they were little but I have had myself, and heard of lately as well, the weirdest things that are happening to young people. I know that she was just too sick to make any decision, she just needed the pain to go away.

I know that I am learning to let go. It’s hard but necessary for me to do so for my own sanity and peacefulness. So that is what I did. Just let her make her own decision and be mindful that she is with her fiance and he will take care of her. I had to believe that all will be well. I need to practice this. The reason I say, “practice” is because I am a control freak and have had much trouble at this juncture in my life when I am “losing control” both of my children as well as myself. I have to trust that she is a grown woman now, not a little girl. She will make mistakes, and yet learn from them. In learning, she will continue to grow.

I still like being in control, but no one said I can’t be in control of myself. That’s what I am trying to do. Be in control of Me.

Then she quoted part of one of our favorite poems by text and I fell apart again…

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
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3 thoughts on “An early phone call…

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