Freaky Friday is one of my favorite movies. I love Jaime Lee Curtis and Lindsey Lohan, before she became so messed up…she was really a talented actress in my opinion.
One reason I love this movie is because of these two actresses and the other reason is that I used to watch it with my girls when they were younger. We know all the “good lines”…
One line in this movie that has stayed with me is something like:
Teenagers don’t want to talk with their parents, they just want to be left alone….
Tonight I went into #6’s room. He has the smallest room in the house and it is painted white, no colors….no posters…no money…..
I feel bad about this.
Here is the secret that maybe one person knows:
I don’t deserve to have had him, nor my #5.
This is a personal, painful, true confession.
When my daughter went to live with her father at the age of 12, #6 was a baby and #5 was only three. I thought I had the perfect family. Of course there were problems and the usual “fray” but for the most part we had love and we were Strong and I thought that I had finally broken the mold of insanity that I was born into….However, a terrible tragedy happened and #2 went to live with her dad.
I started to spiral down, down, down…..into a bottomless pit of despair. Most of the children don’t remember that time like I do. I am haunted by it 15 years later. I am haunted every single day. I don’t think I can ever write about Why she left. She did not do it voluntarily. I do believe that she was supposed to grow up with her dad although I could not see it at the time. She has flourished and is now a happily married young woman with a child…however, I am still back in the past. Not in the sense that I am still in my own private hell. But I lived through that Hell for years. I cried so many tears, it’s a wonder I can still cry. I got on blood pressure meds and anxiety meds and crazy pills way back then. It was the beginning of the end. It was not my fault that she left. It was out of my hands, beyond my control. It split the family, but the siblings all worked it out over the many years and are still close and for that I am thankful. She is a very kind and loving mother and a good daughter to me….
I am “the other mother” like in the movie, “Coraline”. It took a long time for me to accept it. But now I am okay with it. I am the other “grandmother” too. That’s okay too.
In my downward spiral, I could find no stronghold, no footing, no way to climb out of the dark place I was falling into. I let the drugs do their work. They dulled my mind and my heart. We had money back then. I hired nannies to take care of my children because I was not able. I did my job in a haze and only by the Grace of God could I sell any jobs. I took care of my mom on autopilot and again, by the Grace of God, was able to care for her.
I kept thinking, “tomorrow I will get better” but tomorrow never came. Then years of great therapy and Fast forward 15 years: my youngest sons did not get the loving nor the nurturing the others did. Now it’s too late. They love me on the surface, and know that I love them but I ache for them. I ache for those Lost Years. I have No Relationship with them. I try to Mother them but they won’t have it.
#6 was prayed desperately for. I lost a baby before him. I was joyous, over the moon with him and he of course does not remember it. I had such hopes of loving those two darling boys that are quickly growing into young men. #5 has the heart condition but he is living his life and I am an afterthought, if that.
#6? I am his Teacher and he Hates School and by association, isn’t too fond of me either. We use to go driving together when he got his learner’s license and I had all these great plans for the summer, none of which came to fruition because I was so sick since June. I had all these fabulous plans, just the two of us, hoping and praying that I could somehow develop a relationship with him, but they never happened and the relationship is not a relationship, it’s an association….
I have gone into his room everyday and have tried to strike up a conversation with him. He is not interested. I have asked him to go with me on errands, because he used to love to drive, but now prefers his brother who is never home….I have asked him his interests – he has none. I have begged the hubs to do something but he just watches movies when he is off work or goes to his Dark Place. I have prayed and prayed and believed but I am at the end of my rope. Determined to be present in his last year of home school, I make sure assignments are done each day. I have asked him to cook with me. I have asked him to walk with me. (we went to the gym last year, but this year..no money)….he has no friends like other kids because he is the youngest and has been essentially, but not intentionally, left in the dust by his siblings as everyone is growing up…I have plans for him to get a part time job when he turns 16 in October, but I know it will be met with resistance. He is having trouble with Math and is not open to his sister teaching although she is trying….I have tried to take him to local events but he doesn’t want to go…he is overweight..He can not tolerate people and doesn’t like going to see family. He has been asked so many times by #1 to do things together but they don’t get along….(they are very much alike that’s probably why)…he doesn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, interact with anyone…it’s awful..how I love this child….
but like the movie, he says, “leave me alone”…..
and while he is saying this and rolling his eyes, I am feeling guilty and I feel myself going back and forth between wanting so terribly to “live my life” and yet holding on to just a tiny piece of hope that he will somehow let me in….
I hope I don’t give up on him, it’s not my nature to do so but I am continually rebuffed and sometimes it becomes exhausting….especially when one is the only one trying so hard to reach this child….I have begged the hubs to do things with him, teach him things, take him fishing, do ‘guy stuff’…nothing….I can’t give up although I want to so many times during the day….
and while my heart is breaking….
I think his is too….