Anxiety and me….

Anxiety used to be manageable when I was younger.  Probably because I had babies to tend to. I have left full carts of groceries in the store…that was many moons ago. However, the anxiety would subside and I would go on my merry way….

I could not and would not accept that I had something crossed or criss-crossed or whatever in my Brain. Finally a family tragedy led me to medicine. It helped for a while until I was told by many family members that I was like a zombie. The scale told me I packed on an extra 40 pounds in two years….that convinced me that I needed to dial back the meds, which I did. I also went into therapy…for years and years. It helped much. Then finances prohibited me from continuing. I have been out of therapy for around 8 years, and have no interest in starting over with a new psychologist.

Menopause wreaked its own unique havoc on my body and my anxiety increased ten fold. Now that I am Post Menopausal (whatever that means), anxiety has started Taking Over my life more and more.

I joke about it while writing, sometimes saying it rides Shot Gun with me, and kicks me in the tummy, those kinds of things….it makes it easier to not take it seriously. But it is Very Serious.

For example, last week, I ate a turkey sandwich. I eat the same thing practically every day, since I had diverticulitis in July. I didn’t fully recover until about the beginning of October, and maybe not even now…However, I ate the sandwich and it was the last few pieces left in the package. I didn’t hardly taste it. I was so hungry. I ate around 3 p.m.  I then went about my routine and in the evening started throwing up. I drank water right away and that came up too. So for a week I have been feeling nauseous. Where does Anxiety come in? Of course I have been obsessing about having something horrible wrong with me….and although I called the doctor and have anti-nausea pills, I stayed home and didn’t go anywhere. Partly from the weather, partly from anxiety. I was supposed to babysit my grandson but bailed and my daughter took over for me. Then one of my daughters visited her brother who lives only about 40 minutes away. The entire family of my kids went, except for me. I did not want to be anxious about it, let anyone down, nor be a downer. So I stayed home. This is what anxiety does to me now…..

It also raises my blood pressure when I can’t calm down. I have ‘happy pills’ to help me, although they usually make me fall asleep. It’s a vicious circle filled with fear. It makes one hate their life, even when there are good things happening. (there is not anything good happening)….One can’t wait to go to bed at night.

Tomorrow I go in for my check up and will have blood work and hopefully see the doc and speak to her about the nausea. I have been monitoring it the past few days and discovered that it’s a combination of a queasy tummy along with an ‘anxiety belly’….the anxiety seems to settle in my tummy and I feel awful….

This is Anxiety and me…..Arrrghh!

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