I have a friend who recently mentioned to me that we all go through seasons of life. I was going to agree but kept silent. She was talking about seasons of joy, of love, of happiness, of sadness, of sorrow….you know the drill…
I started thinking of our conversation and realized that my own “seasons of life” have been mostly of sadness, working too hard, never having enough money, always trying to make things better and failing miserably. The best seasons were when I was having my children and raising them.
Anxiety has really done a number on me lately, as well as other health issues. Most of the health issues were treatable by antibiotics and then the subsequent sickness that went along with them. I find myself instead of butterflies in my tummy as my constant companion, but Bats.
Have you ever been out at dusk and seen bats? I mean, really watched them? They are kind of scary. Like Anxiety. They flap their wings and fly so fast and sometimes travel in groups, to who knows where….they swoop in unexpectedly and make one cringe unless you are used to seeing them. I know I always duck when I see them even if I am sitting far away from them!
That’s what my tummy feels like. Bats flying around. Sometimes it permeates through out my body and I am wound tight as a drum.
Today I went for blood work and was hoping to see the doc to talk to her about my nausea issues but then I started to think maybe it is just anxiety because when I am doing something else, I am not really nauseous. I am more anxiety ridden. She wasn’t there anyway and is probably sick of seeing me. So had the blood work done. Had the same thing done last month and had a little high white count, but it’s always a little high so I am not too concerned about that….
Blood work makes me crazy too. It always has, even when I was young. Waiting for the doc to call, then seeing the number on caller ID and heart thumping….it’s ridiculous!
If one of my older children called me and told me that they were experiencing the same things I am, I would immediately tell them to calm down, go for walks, eliminate stress, blah, blah, blah….but of course for myself I can’t follow my own advice.
My friend that I was talking to also mentioned that fear and anxiety are not of God and since I am a Christian, I should just give my troubles to Him. That’s correct. Good advice. I have been praying for that. Maybe I am doing something wrong, I dunno…
Therapy, drugs, happy pills, nothing really works.
I don’t think my home life is really conducive to peace either. Notice I said Peace, Not Happiness. I am not asking to be Happy although I know I have a right to be. I just want Peace from panic and my scary thoughts and my fear….I would settle for being content.