Anxiety has made a friend…

Yesterday I was late for work. It took me over an hour to get out of the house. I was gripped with horrific stomach pain which sent me running to the bathroom six times. Of course I was a little worried I would be fired but I was more concerned with these awful pains I was having…

I spoke with #4 and she too had bad pains in her tummy during her work day and went running to the bathroom and we both only ate yellow potatoes..

All through the work day I struggled with belly pain. Anxiety kicked it’s heels in glee, and of course I was so afraid that I had diverticulitis again. I somehow toughed it out. I did so only for one reason: I need the money. I hate that.

I poured the wine and smiled and sat on a stool which I am not allowed to do. I was rebuffed by Him Who Knows It All but he isn’t my boss and I was quite cross with him and told him I wasn’t feeling good.

I wondered the entire day if I would ever be able to be like normal people. You know, like go out to dinner or meet with my kids at their houses, or Not Be Afraid I was going to be sick…..it’s so humiliating that instead I just stay home.

Through several bouts of diverticulitis, I have discovered that there are some foods I used to be able to eat and now I can’t eat them at all. Then there are others I would never touch and yet now eat. On my days off I have to experiment with what I can and cannot eat. It’s exhausting really.

I awoke today with the same pain and it seemed to radiate on the lower side so off to the emergency room I went. The only way they can diagnose divers is to do a cat scan. #5 told me it wasn’t good for me to have a cat scan again after I had one in July. However, I wasn’t about to take a chance. All I need is a hospital stay and a perforation.

Of course the hubs was going to work and no one was around to drive me. So looking and feeling like something the cat drug in, I went to the hospital. In my records it says I am a diverticulitis patient so of course the long wait began. Blood work was taken and it was good. But that doesn’t mean much with divers because I am blessed to usually catch it early..Crying through the cat scan and feeling like I was a nut job, I waited for the results. No divers. Just gastrinitis. Another doctor word for “you ate something that does not agree with you” or ” you have to eat more fiber” or “I don’t know why you have this pain but you don’t have diverticulitis”…..

I was quite relieved to hear this. The colon surgeon said that if I had it again in a  few months he would think more about surgery…

I guess I’m just getting older and have to be careful about what I eat and Not Touch anything that may be unfamiliar….(I ate ice cream and a donut –so bad I know) Friday night. Perhaps it was that combination. I am sometimes craving junk food but this is the first time I touched it since July….

They also said I was dehydrated, but it’s a mystery to me as to why because I make sure that I drink six bottles a day. I just can’t stomach anymore. I faithfully struggle through a TB of Metamucil as well. It’s just misery. I am afraid to drink juice because of the acidity. I am afraid that it will upset my tummy.

I’m pretty much afraid to eat anything. I eat yogurt each day, a turkey sandwich and potatoes and sometimes broccoli for dinner. If I have meat at all, I grind it up. Ridiculous….

The nurse today asked me if I felt safe at home and did I feel like I would hurt myself? I guess they have to ask these questions. I wanted to tell her “Yes, and could you please put me in the loony hatch and help me”….but figured that wouldn’t be appropriate so I cried instead…for hours….so stupid.

I am very grateful that I don’t have divers and I know that others have it worse than me and I feel like an idiot. My children used to be able to count on me and I used to be “normal”…you know, like shopping for food or whatever they needed, enjoying the outdoors, having a good outlook, caring for them and my parents but now I just want to be left alone and I know that’s not good. Anxiety has a grip on my life now and I am trying to figure out my “normal”.  This can’t possibly be it!!

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