Where I’ve Been

For the past few weeks I have been living in Anxiety Land. Anxiety has a grip on me with it’s sidekick, FEAR. Hard to believe that a year or so ago I was running around to stores, doing my “real job”, cooking and cleaning and taking care of my family which at the time included my elderly aunt who lived with me. Now I am agoraphobic, afraid of everything and don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. This is pretty bad considering I am on medication for it. I am also depressed and haven’t been writing because who wants to hear about dark days and thunder clouds following someone around all the time? I am also suffering in the worst way of the Empty Nest. Some of the older children used to call every day and now they don’t. I am pretty lucky if I hear from them once a week. I usually don’t even hear from them that often.  That’s the trouble with being friends with your grown children. You start to depend on those friendships. I ask myself if they don’t call because they are tired of hearing about my ailments and endless complaints. I wonder if they even think of me, which makes me more depressed. If I call them, they only have a few minutes to talk because they have to get back to their busy lives. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that they are so happy and busy, I just wish they had a little time for me. A friend of mine told me that we go through seasons and I guess I am going through a season of sorts but I don’t like it. I used to like my part time job but am starting to dislike it. I don’t like the people anymore nor the customers. It’s brutal on my body and I had to take off three days because I hurt my back. I have noticed that I, “mark time”. By that I mean I watch the clock. When it’s time to eat, time to feed the dogs, time to do laundry, (the only thing I really do)….I watch recorded movies that I have seen a million times and sometimes I actually watch but more often it’s on for background noise. I can’t even manage to read my favorite books any longer. I have one in particular that I have been reading for a month. It seems that I just can’t get through it or maybe it just doesn’t hold my attention. I read another by one of my favorite authors and the same thing happened. The story just was not gripping enough. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I start out the window for hours on end, just watching cars go by. I let the dogs in and out …in and out….The people I do see seem to be so happy and productive and I wonder if they really are or are they just faking it? I have many tasks that I could complete but I don’t do them. No motivation. I see the shrink in a week or so and get my fifteen minutes of her time and she will push therapy on me again. I actually did make a call but they only see patients for a window of time in the mornings and I live 45 minutes away and just haven’t been able to get there. I got my hair cut really short and it felt great for a few days but wore off pretty quick. The hubs is off in Colorado with #6, helping #3 move out of her apartment and fixing up the old one. Then they are coming back this week as she is getting married in a month. That should be very exciting but I just dread that I will be ill or not be able to wear my teeth or something. I am still having trouble with my upper plate. I have to wear glue to eat with it and it’s so gross. I usually just put them in if I have to go to work or be around a stranger.  I did start going to church again and it helped for a while but basically I am bored and depressed. I am weaning off one medication and on another. Maybe this is all from the medication. That would be a relief..I know what to do, like get involved with life, wear my teeth, make a new life, I just can’t seem to get the motivation to do it. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s been overcast and rainy for a week. The yard is a mud bath and I miss my old town. I really don’t like the fixer upper either. I have no idea why I rush home when I go to the store or something. I am sure I will snap out of this funk I have been in. Underlying all of this foolishness, is anxiety, just nibbling away at my sanity….

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