Paxil and me….

I may be sorry someday I am writing about this but I doubt it if it helps others. 16 years ago I was placed on Paxil and at the time it was needed but there was no exit strategy. At first it was 10 mg, then 20, then 40. Over the years I tried getting off it but couldn’t. This past year with all of my infections and problems it stopped working. I was only on 10 mg. I tried to wean to 5 mg and within three days I was crying hysterically and wanted to kill myself. I don’t know if I actually would have. I went back up to 10 mg and stabilized. Then I started going to a shrink for medication management only. She put me on Remeron which helped great at first but of course I had to up the dose within three weeks. I suffered terribly from Anxiety Nausea which I never had before. Every test known to doctors has been performed on me. Nothing wrong physically. Anyway, now I am down to 7.5mg of Paxil. The goal is to be off it completely but the Remeron does nothing for my anxiety and I am not sure it’s helping a great deal with depression either although I have only recently admitted that I am depressed. It’s hard  because I have never been depressed in my life. It’s horrible and horrible for those around you. They don’t understand it and I would not wish it on anyone. I won’t know if it’s the paxil until I am off of it and that will take a while. I really have no interest in anything at all and it’s awful when loved ones want you to go out and “be normal” because the depressed and anxiety ridden person can not do it. I have lost over 30 pounds and could care less. I don’t want to shop, even if I had the money. I don’t want to visit friends or family and I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to stay inside all day either. I wake up and think, “another day to get through”….this is how I feel. One time a doctor said it doesn’t matter what you feel, just do it anyway. I am trying. It’s really quite a bit of work. I have zero motivation. I just don’t care and yet do worry that someday I will and then no one will be around because they think I am nuts.

Anxiety and me….

Today I went to see #2 who is pregnant with her second child. #4 drove so I didn’t have to deal with driving. I glued my teeth in which was a plus because I ate a chicken sandwich, about 3/4 of it…had not had one for over a year. Only had to clean out the bottom plate afterwards which is gross. I visited with #2 and her hubs and my grandson who has no idea who I am–for maybe two hours. Then the three hour drive home. A house didn’t fall on me so I don’t know why Anxiety was my sidekick but the undercurrent of it was my constant companion. I am also figuring out that I am depressed. Depressed because I am depressed, depressed because #4 wanted to go Target and I nixed it right away, depressed because I wonder if I will ever feel normal and be the person I used to be. Baby steps. …Teeth in for almost the entire day and a pretty long day trip.  I look at it as a small victory. I also decided that I am going to write as much as I can, even if I am filled with doom. It helps me but I don’t blame others if they don’t read it. 

One thing I want to mention is that I am weaning off Paxil at this time. Have been on it for 16 years. Perhaps that’s why I feel so down. I hope so. Wouldn’t it be great if it were just the paxil causing my jittery nerves and depressed mood? I tried to wean from 10 to 5 mg and wanted to drive into a tree. So with the doc’s help, am only weaning right now at 7.5 mg. I am mentioning this in case someone else may be going through this and is feeling low, perhaps it will help them.

I’m also going to have a talk with #2 when the time is right. Through her last pregnancy I felt very close to her and this time I don’t. I was with her when my grandson was born and am supposed to go up in August to stay for a while until she delivers in September. My grandson doesn’t know me. I don’t know his schedule nor know my way around my daughter’s area. It isn’t good that I am there with her, causing more stress. Perhaps I will just visit when the baby is born. A friend recommended this to me and I think it’s good advice. Her dad and step mom live nearby and she is very close to them. They are better equipped than I am. Mental health issues are a bummer!!

Where I’ve Been

For the past few weeks I have been living in Anxiety Land. Anxiety has a grip on me with it’s sidekick, FEAR. Hard to believe that a year or so ago I was running around to stores, doing my “real job”, cooking and cleaning and taking care of my family which at the time included my elderly aunt who lived with me. Now I am agoraphobic, afraid of everything and don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. This is pretty bad considering I am on medication for it. I am also depressed and haven’t been writing because who wants to hear about dark days and thunder clouds following someone around all the time? I am also suffering in the worst way of the Empty Nest. Some of the older children used to call every day and now they don’t. I am pretty lucky if I hear from them once a week. I usually don’t even hear from them that often.  That’s the trouble with being friends with your grown children. You start to depend on those friendships. I ask myself if they don’t call because they are tired of hearing about my ailments and endless complaints. I wonder if they even think of me, which makes me more depressed. If I call them, they only have a few minutes to talk because they have to get back to their busy lives. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that they are so happy and busy, I just wish they had a little time for me. A friend of mine told me that we go through seasons and I guess I am going through a season of sorts but I don’t like it. I used to like my part time job but am starting to dislike it. I don’t like the people anymore nor the customers. It’s brutal on my body and I had to take off three days because I hurt my back. I have noticed that I, “mark time”. By that I mean I watch the clock. When it’s time to eat, time to feed the dogs, time to do laundry, (the only thing I really do)….I watch recorded movies that I have seen a million times and sometimes I actually watch but more often it’s on for background noise. I can’t even manage to read my favorite books any longer. I have one in particular that I have been reading for a month. It seems that I just can’t get through it or maybe it just doesn’t hold my attention. I read another by one of my favorite authors and the same thing happened. The story just was not gripping enough. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I start out the window for hours on end, just watching cars go by. I let the dogs in and out …in and out….The people I do see seem to be so happy and productive and I wonder if they really are or are they just faking it? I have many tasks that I could complete but I don’t do them. No motivation. I see the shrink in a week or so and get my fifteen minutes of her time and she will push therapy on me again. I actually did make a call but they only see patients for a window of time in the mornings and I live 45 minutes away and just haven’t been able to get there. I got my hair cut really short and it felt great for a few days but wore off pretty quick. The hubs is off in Colorado with #6, helping #3 move out of her apartment and fixing up the old one. Then they are coming back this week as she is getting married in a month. That should be very exciting but I just dread that I will be ill or not be able to wear my teeth or something. I am still having trouble with my upper plate. I have to wear glue to eat with it and it’s so gross. I usually just put them in if I have to go to work or be around a stranger.  I did start going to church again and it helped for a while but basically I am bored and depressed. I am weaning off one medication and on another. Maybe this is all from the medication. That would be a relief..I know what to do, like get involved with life, wear my teeth, make a new life, I just can’t seem to get the motivation to do it. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s been overcast and rainy for a week. The yard is a mud bath and I miss my old town. I really don’t like the fixer upper either. I have no idea why I rush home when I go to the store or something. I am sure I will snap out of this funk I have been in. Underlying all of this foolishness, is anxiety, just nibbling away at my sanity….

Home schooling and me…..

We are on the final stretch and I am Sooo glad…..However, I am not well versed in footnoting which hardly anyone does but our curriculum requires it. #6 is also a lazy learner so he is not really motivated to do research for a research paper that has to be done. That means I have to push and argue and pretty much hold his hand to get it done. It’s exhausting. The other 3 that I home schooled did their own research and completed it without much assistance from me.

He is also flying this year with no math because the hubs has refused to teach it. He has always been the math teacher and I Can Not Do Math without a calculator. Forget algebra and geometry. It’s another language to me.

I have been stressing so much about this.  I have decided to help him complete the research paper and then look into the GED for our county. I am going to sign him up and sink or swim baby. I hope he passes. If he does not pass the math then there is no option but public school and there is a chance that he may be held back. This breaks my heart but there is no other way. We don’t have the money for a tutor and if he fails the math he will have to go. Not ever having been to public school, this will be traumatic for him. I dread it all.

These are part of the woes of home schooling as well as two parents on two completely different pages…..the hubs is furious but there’s nothing left for me to do…

Praying hard!!

Wedding Dress Blues or …blacks?

#2 had 2 wedding dresses. She chose one that she settled for and I paid for it. Then she found that “dream dress” and I bought it for her. She had two dresses but only wore the one. Luckily she kept the first. She got married in 2014.

#3 is getting married in July and saw this lady online that dyes wedding dresses…an hombre kind of dye. She wanted in dyed in this manner in purple. #3 just received the dress back yesterday and what a mess! It looks like it’s black!!  #3 freaked out and cried and cried and called her sister who graciously offered her first dress which is very pretty. Now #3 is all better. Luckily they are both about the same size and alterations will be easy. All better now but lots of tears shed over the weekend!!

I don’t think she will get her money back but her sister is over-nighting the other dress so hopefully she will have any alterations done in time and she will be happy. I wasn’t too concerned about it either way as she will look beautiful in anything, but what do I know? I got married in a business suit many moons ago!!

The Dark One……..

Many moons ago I was married very young and was in a mental and physically abusive relationship. Married, divorced and was a mom before 21. I told myself I would Never be in a relationship like that again. However, after getting remarried, and five more kids, I find myself in another abusive relationship. Not physical. I would never stand for that Again. It’s mental.

Do you know a Dark one? Let me tell you, it’s not fun. Most of the time he is supportive and when I was sick he was really supportive Most of the Time. However, now that I am better, he has slid into his old slithering snake way….biting and nasty comments, snide remarks, filthy language…..it’s tiresome.

What to do? Do I pilfer money and leave? I didn’t want to do that because I still have a 16 year old son. I also don’t have a way to support myself. Do I take it? Being quiet makes no difference. Bullying a bully makes no difference. I’m stumped but making plans. Last week He said he was going to leave for good and I felt a freeing in my spirit..I know that sounds bad but I dread coming home because I never know the kind of mood he will be in. Constantly complaining, drinking, but not to excess, refusing to do anything around this house which is Awful because there is so much to be done and he’s a contractor for goodness sakes!  Therapy is out of the question, as is marriage counseling. I am working on an exit strategy but don’t think it’s fair that I have to leave when we finally paid off the house….This is the Reader’s Digest version of course I just don’t want to write out every bad thing. Trying to keep My Sanity!!

Praying hard for a lasting restoration of the man I used to know…..

The Fixer Upper and Me…..

One thing that happened this past week that was quite discouraging is that we don’t qualify for a home owner’s policy because we do not have working central heat.  We can get a Dwelling Policy which still gives us coverage for catastrophic events such as  fire, but it isn’t as good as a traditional homeowner’s policy. I was looking into this – this past week because we are making the last payment on the Fixer Upper. That’s an Awesome thing. However, we are still struggling. Those TV shows are for people that have money and buy Fixer Uppers!!  The only way to get a true homeowner’s policy is to have central heat and “curb appeal” which means at least painting the front of the house and clearing out over brush which we have kept to hide the front quite frankly. The hubs is not inclined to do much right now. He is in a bad mood.

The Ants have arrived as well. We have a big old Maple tree quite close to the house and the Ants are everywhere. They decided to invade the kitchen. I had the hubs get some spray. He sprayed all around then put borax around the house and they have dissipated a little which is good but they freak me out because there are so many of them! I have turned into a “plastic person”….by that I mean putting things in plastic containers, even small appliances because the ants are driving me up the wall!

The air conditioners are in the attic and the hubs has not gotten them out yet and it’s HOT in here. Really hot. We have ceiling fans which help a little but not that much. We have only one big fan; the others are in the attic and he has to get them down. Bad mood, no fans, no air conditioners…

Hope his dark days pass soon–