Paxil and me….

I may be sorry someday I am writing about this but I doubt it if it helps others. 16 years ago I was placed on Paxil and at the time it was needed but there was no exit strategy. At first it was 10 mg, then 20, then 40. Over the years I tried getting off it but couldn’t. This past year with all of my infections and problems it stopped working. I was only on 10 mg. I tried to wean to 5 mg and within three days I was crying hysterically and wanted to kill myself. I don’t know if I actually would have. I went back up to 10 mg and stabilized. Then I started going to a shrink for medication management only. She put me on Remeron which helped great at first but of course I had to up the dose within three weeks. I suffered terribly from Anxiety Nausea which I never had before. Every test known to doctors has been performed on me. Nothing wrong physically. Anyway, now I am down to 7.5mg of Paxil. The goal is to be off it completely but the Remeron does nothing for my anxiety and I am not sure it’s helping a great deal with depression either although I have only recently admitted that I am depressed. It’s hard  because I have never been depressed in my life. It’s horrible and horrible for those around you. They don’t understand it and I would not wish it on anyone. I won’t know if it’s the paxil until I am off of it and that will take a while. I really have no interest in anything at all and it’s awful when loved ones want you to go out and “be normal” because the depressed and anxiety ridden person can not do it. I have lost over 30 pounds and could care less. I don’t want to shop, even if I had the money. I don’t want to visit friends or family and I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to stay inside all day either. I wake up and think, “another day to get through”….this is how I feel. One time a doctor said it doesn’t matter what you feel, just do it anyway. I am trying. It’s really quite a bit of work. I have zero motivation. I just don’t care and yet do worry that someday I will and then no one will be around because they think I am nuts.