Today I went to see #2 who is pregnant with her second child. #4 drove so I didn’t have to deal with driving. I glued my teeth in which was a plus because I ate a chicken sandwich, about 3/4 of it…had not had one for over a year. Only had to clean out the bottom plate afterwards which is gross. I visited with #2 and her hubs and my grandson who has no idea who I am–for maybe two hours. Then the three hour drive home. A house didn’t fall on me so I don’t know why Anxiety was my sidekick but the undercurrent of it was my constant companion. I am also figuring out that I am depressed. Depressed because I am depressed, depressed because #4 wanted to go Target and I nixed it right away, depressed because I wonder if I will ever feel normal and be the person I used to be. Baby steps. …Teeth in for almost the entire day and a pretty long day trip. I look at it as a small victory. I also decided that I am going to write as much as I can, even if I am filled with doom. It helps me but I don’t blame others if they don’t read it.
One thing I want to mention is that I am weaning off Paxil at this time. Have been on it for 16 years. Perhaps that’s why I feel so down. I hope so. Wouldn’t it be great if it were just the paxil causing my jittery nerves and depressed mood? I tried to wean from 10 to 5 mg and wanted to drive into a tree. So with the doc’s help, am only weaning right now at 7.5 mg. I am mentioning this in case someone else may be going through this and is feeling low, perhaps it will help them.
I’m also going to have a talk with #2 when the time is right. Through her last pregnancy I felt very close to her and this time I don’t. I was with her when my grandson was born and am supposed to go up in August to stay for a while until she delivers in September. My grandson doesn’t know me. I don’t know his schedule nor know my way around my daughter’s area. It isn’t good that I am there with her, causing more stress. Perhaps I will just visit when the baby is born. A friend recommended this to me and I think it’s good advice. Her dad and step mom live nearby and she is very close to them. They are better equipped than I am. Mental health issues are a bummer!!